


what you want, what you need

by erosaquarius



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Age Swap, Explicit Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Lee Taeyong Needs a Hug, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:48:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 28,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29371083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erosaquarius/pseuds/erosaquarius
Summary: when yukhei told taeyong that he would introduce him to someone, he did not expect, well, this. he was expecting maybe someone… like his other past boyfriends. flings. someone boyish and shy, like the ones that got away. those who got sick of taeyong after the fourth fuck. but no, standing before him is a man so tall that taeyong had to look up a little to properly gaze into his honey brown eyes, cupid bow so perfect that his lips look so pretty when he gives taeyong a subtle grin. taeyong kind of want to kiss him. it’s the moët, taeyong thinks.thirty year old nouveau-rich, art dealer lee taeyong meets a twenty two year old film school prodigy johnny suh. taeyong is lonely and johnny's a bit short in cash.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 70
Kudos: 175





	1. Chapter 1

like what most people said, it’s lonely at the top. but the thing about loneliness is that it gets way too unbearable sometimes, to the point that sex does not appeal to taeyong anymore because really, all he wants is to be held. at that loneliest point of his lavish, extravagant life, he unexpectedly met johnny suh through ten’s younger, model boyfriend yukhei. 

“you should try meeting someone, taeyong,” yukhei once said, during one of taeyong’s visit to ten’s cheongdam-dong penthouse, so lavish that taeyong’s own look a bit shabby even though he’s not so bad himself. truth is, both taeyong and ten are rich _rich,_ but not even money can guarantee you love and intimacy. even though ten now dates yukhei, and taeyong can’t help but feel lonely and helpless.

“yeah taeyong, you should try going on dates more. maybe yukhei can help you find… well, you know, a companion?” ten added, finally facing taeyong after spending the last hour leaning his head on yukhei’s shoulder. 

“companion?” taeyong scoffs, looking away and opts to look at ten’s chandelier instead, “maybe i should get a lapdog if companionship is what i need.” 

“no, listen. i know a friend that you’ll really, really like. he’s – hot, super smart too. i think both of you match well,” yukhei earnestly tells him. taeyong sighed and looked away, genuinely thinking that there won’t be any follow up to this. rich people do this all the time, telling him that they would introduce him to someone only to forget about it in the first place. 

but no, yukhei never forgets. taeyong was attending one of ten’s gallery openings, somewhere in sinsa-dong on a cold, autumn evening. to be frank, taeyong could not concentrate on the art pieces laid before him that night, it all looked like a mess of graphic brush strokes and splatters of paint to him. maybe it’s because of the moët & chandon. 

“taeyong, this is the friend i told you about,” he starts. he offers taeyong a cheeky smile, although taeyong knew better. his breath unexpectedly hitched when he finally looked at the man, or to be exact, _yukhei’s friend._ the one he proclaimed to be hot, super smart. and would match well with taeyong. 

when yukhei told taeyong that he would introduce him to someone, he did not expect, well, _this._ he was expecting maybe someone… like his other past boyfriends. flings. someone boyish and shy, like the ones that got away. those who got sick of taeyong after the fourth fuck. but no, standing before him is a man so tall that taeyong had to look up a little to properly gaze into his honey brown eyes, cupid bow so perfect that his lips look so pretty when he gives taeyong a subtle grin. taeyong kind of want to kiss him. _it’s the moët,_ taeyong thinks. 

“hey,” the man said while offering him a hand to shake. “well, yukhei told me lots of good things about you, taeyong. it’s a pleasure to finally meet you in person. i’m johnny.”

with that, taeyong finally schooled his expression, telling himself to _get a fucking grip, lee taeyong,_ and took his hand. johnny’s bigger hands enveloped his perfectly, and his touch starved ass can’t help but think, _god, fuck. i want him._ you see, lee taeyong is an art dealer. a fucking good one. he has an eye for beauty.

the rest of the event blurs, he vaguely remembers the small talks johnny entertained him. _i’m not smart, yukhei must be exaggerating. i’m just – lucky enough to get into SNU to study media art. although to be frank, i’m kinda worried. i think i have to drop out, i’m a bit short in cash. yukhei told me that you could help me in exchange for companionship._

taeyong realizes then, what this encounter means. why yukhei hooked them up. he gets quiet a little after that. usually, they were all demure and shy about it. they don’t abruptly talk about money, although one look at their eyes and taeyong instantly knows they’re in it only for his money. johnny was blunt about it, did not even show an ounce of shyness. his voice did not waver. he held taeyong’s gaze while he said it. but then they both have something that the other wants. _needs._ companionship for taeyong, and johnny – johnny just want to be a great filmmaker. and in order to get there, a sponsor wouldn’t hurt.

surprisingly, they didn’t fuck the first night they met. although everyone could see from miles away the way they look at each other, a want so carnal that a spectator would blush just from seeing them. taeyong knows – johnny probably expected someone older, with grey hairs, a little bit of wrinkle. expected anything but taeyong. taeyong knows that johnny probably wants him too, he can see it as clear as day from the way he’s eyeing his body. 

“i’ll think about it, good night johnny. see you around,” taeyong said with finality while getting into his car, johnny standing outside holding a black umbrella because it suddenly rained cats and dogs during the end of the event. taeyong could see the wet drops of rain on johnny’s black velvet suit – a suit that looked way too expensive for an undergraduate student short in cash, although maybe that’s just johnny. his body and his face could complete the most disastrous combination of outfit possible, because that’s how insanely beautiful he is. the slope of his jaw, his cat-like eye.. taeyong closed his eyes and he could feel the loud thunk of his head meeting the car’s headrest. even with closed eyes, he could still make out johnny’s intricate features behind his eyelids, branded onto the back of his eyelids from the first sight.

the thing about this – younger boyfriends, boy toys, or whatever people call it… at thirty, taeyong is definitely not new to this. there’s dozen of younger guys he’s dated before; models, aspiring actors and artists. but before johnny, there was jaehyun. the _one_ that got away. the one taeyong came to love so deep only for him to let go. because let’s face it – jaehyun’s got a bright future ahead of him and taeyong who loved him so much of course said _okay, it’s okay_ when jaehyun said that he’s moving to new york, a modelling agency offered him a shiny new contract with a promise of international exposure.

**yukhei [01:11 AM]:**

_i see that ure still unsure. take ur time. he’s nice, i promise_

he was tossing and turning in his bed when he received yukhei’s text. a bed so big like his felt so cold with just one person sleeping in it. truth be told, taeyong regretted not taking johnny home that night. they could be fucking six ways to sunday right now, but his uncertainty resulted in him shivering even after he turned up his heating. he blames the rainy autumn night for the cold, where he finally met someone so beautiful he kind of wanted to break all of the walls and barriers he built just to be held by him.

**unknown number [03:37 AM]:**

_taeyong, this is johnny. i have a mini showcase of a project next friday_

_and i’d be really happy if u come and see it_

_was i too blunt about the sponsor thing? i’m sorry_

_goodnight, taeyong_

* * *

truth is, taeyong could not stop thinking about johnny since that night. he wonders how johnny will touch him. will he be rough with him, leaving imprints of his hands on his neck, his thighs, his waist when they fuck? will he be gentle, covering taeyong’s body with his own until they both do not know where they start and where they end? he wonders how johnny will sound when he finishes in him, will he moan into taeyong’s mouth or buried his groans to taeyong’s neck? this is all he think about in his office, during meetings, late night on the way home at the backseat of his benz. 

by the third day, taeyong starts to forget how johnny look. he should’ve looked at johnny’s face even longer that night, he thinks. he’s starting to forget how his lips look, how it would curl into a smile whenever taeyong chuckled. he could only vaguely remember the way johnny said, _yukhei told me lots of good things about you, taeyong. it’s a pleasure to finally meet you in person. i’m johnny._

by the third day, he caved into his desires. it’s funny how loneliness can control you more than you think. 

**lee taeyong [8:49 PM]:**

_text me the address of your showcase, i’ll be waiting._

* * *

johnny’s showcase was, of course, not something taeyong is used to. he’s used to venues with ceilings so high that they could fit a 2-meter-long chandelier. he’s used to the free flow of champagne, used to the faces of familiar strangers that he’d see only on tabloids. but _this,_ this is new. although he looked a bit out of place here, with his custom made lanvin suit, surrounded by college students drunk on cheap beers with house music in the background. this reminded him of his days in london, graduated from an art school himself. johnny’s project turned out to be a collection of black and white portraits of people, with their stories written on the wall beside the photographs. black and white videotapes of him interviewing children, adolescents, someone in their 40s, 60s. mostly talking about youth. he figured that this is the theme of johnny’s project. 

_youth,_ taeyong scoffed unknowingly while thinking about it. _way to rub it on my face._ he thinks. he used to think that he’s quite youthful in appearance for someone his age, but taeyong can’t deny the change in his body now that he’s no longer in his 20s. years of drinking, smoking, and occasional drugs did not help either. he internally winces at that. 

“hey. you really came,” johnny’s voice sounded so unsure, as if he could not believe what he’s seeing. it’s a nice change, taeyong thinks, compared to the easy confidence he radiated some nights ago. somehow this reminded him that johnny is just a 22 year old student, still trying to find his footing in this crazy world. but alas, what did he expect? at 22, all taeyong did was smoke joints and get drunk out of his mind every night. johnny is a saint compared to him. a beautiful, beautiful saint because right now, he looks all kinds of delectable with his white shirt and blue jeans, piercings now on. hair too long in a dicaprio-esque cut, and he tucked it to the back of his ears. he looks more like his age compared to nights ago where he looked like a bit older, and oh-so-sensual taeyong was ready to fall on his knees. and _ah, is that a sunflower tattoo?_

“i did,” taeyong finally faced him, giving johnny a little smile. “it’s nice, i see that you’re interested in people’s stories. _youth,_ especially.” taeyong added as he looked away from johnny, because god. he’s so beautiful.

“i guess it’s my way to commemorate my youth too,” johnny too, finally looked away from taeyong. head turned a bit downwards, his shoes trying to sweep away a stray cigarette butt. _is he nervous?_ taeyong muses. “although i gotta admit, commemorating youth is a bit cliché to an art dealer like you, right?” johnny chuckled.

“nah, i was all about coming of age shit when i was your age too. you’ll get to experience your youth once, might as well throw a party for it.” taeyong smiled, reminiscing all the things he did when he was johnny’s age. “without you knowing, life decided to never slow down and boom, you’re thirty and lonely. visiting an undergrad’s showcase.” taeyong added lightheartedly.

johnny gave him a hearty laugh at that and taeyong can’t help but think that it sounds nice _._ “taeyong, i’m sure you’re not even that old.” they’re looking eye-to-eye now. 

“johnny, do you even know how old i am? did yukhei told you?” the sudden change of taeyong’s tone made johnny’s smile faltered. “i’m– i’m way older than you. so before you pursue men like me, for their money, make sure–” he stopped himself from ranting about his insecurity, about his fear of abandonment. because the truth is, taeyong can't handle another jaehyun. can't handle fucking someone for days, moving in with them, taking them to cyprus to spend hot summer days together, holding each other to sleep every night, only to be left alone. again and again. he looked away from johnny, only for johnny to turn his head with his hand on his jaw, making him face johnny again. 

it took a while for taeyong to realize that johnny’s kissing him, there in his showcase for everyone to see. it took awhile for taeyong to reciprocate too, his hand holding johnny’s jaw and johnny’s on his waist. johnny licked his bottom lip and that’s it, that’s the last straw for taeyong. 

it took every bit of their self restraint to wait until the end of the showcase. johnny, his lips kiss swollen and shiny with spit, thanked everyone for coming to his showcase. but taeyong knows better, knows how much johnny wants this fucking showcase to end already and take taeyong home, kiss him some more. of course johnny cannot take him home this instant, because as much as he wants to fuck taeyong too, he has responsibilities to unload the portraits and installations. taeyong waits outside the venue, lighting up a cigarette while hugging his upper body with his other hand due to the cold autumn breeze, watching the guests leave one by one. johnny approaches him half an hour and 2 cigarettes later, asking him “do you still wanna do this?” and taeyong said, “yeah, i’m gonna take you home.” 

taeyong led him to his benz, and he didn’t try to hide his smile while he drove them to his place, johnny’s hand resting on his thigh.

* * *

taeyong had to literally physically wrench johnny to stop him before it’s too late, before johnny fucks the living daylight out of him against the front door. fortunately, they did make it to taeyong’s bedroom. although it really wasn’t the master bedroom because right now they’re stripping each other’s clothes while rutting against each other on the guest bed, both too horny out of their minds to go upstairs to taeyong’s master bedroom. there will be lots of next times anyway, they’d be fucking all over the penthouse’s surface before they know it. 

“fuck, you’re so fucking beautiful,” johnny mumbles against taeyong’s neck after getting them both naked in record time while also nonchalantly throwing taeyong to the bed, and that’s okay because manhandling has always been taeyong’s turn ons. “tell me what you want,” he continued, touching every inch of taeyong’s bare skin with his fingertips, leaving goosebumps in their wake. taeyong, too strung up, can’t help but twitch whenever johnny’s hands touch his abdomen and god, he’s so fucking hard already just from kissing johnny. and he can see johnny is just as turned on as he is, his length fully hard and slick. he wants to lick it. 

taeyong broke their kiss only to trail kisses down the beautiful slope of johnny’s jaw to his ears, and told him what he really wanted: “want you to make me come over and over again. with your mouth, your cock. please johnny, make me feel good.” and johnny can’t hold his moan after hearing those filth whispered directly to his ears, because taeyong does not have to beg really, all he has to do is just keep looking at johnny like this, pupils blown wide and lips bitten red. all johnny can manage was a hoarse “yeah, okay. i'll make you feel good.”

johnny starts from kissing his neck, down to his sternum and to one of his dusky nipples, licked it experimentally and he _knows_ taeyong loves this from the way he moaned and writhed, wordlessly asking johnny for more, more, more. more friction, more heat, more tongue, more of johnny, everything. johnny trails his kisses down to his flat stomach, and this time johnny pins taeyong’s hips to the bed before he suckles the tip of his cock, dipping his tongue into his leaking slit.

“ _mmh!_ f-fuck,” taeyong gasps, not knowing what to do after months of not being touched because fuck, this feels so fucking good he’s probably gonna blow his load in seconds. johnny takes more of him, engulfing his whole cock with his mouth, licking the underside and tracing the vein. he alternates between bobbing his mouth, deepthroating taeyong’s cock like it's so easy, and laves the sensitive tip with his tongue in between all that. 

taeyong grabbed johnny’s hair, not because he wants to fuck his mouth but because he doesn’t know what to do with his hands, his body feels like its gonna implode with the onslaught of pleasure, which feels so foreign after jaehyun left him moons ago. “fuck, i’m gonna– _ah!”_ taeyong couldn’t even warn johnny before cumming in his mouth.

johnny hums, as if he expected it, trained to do this and make taeyong cum, and taeyong can only let out a meek moan when felt johnny’s throat tighten to swallow his cum. johnny lets taeyong’s cock slide out of his mouth and leaves open mouthed kisses on his inner thigh, his balls, his perineum, murmuring “that's it, baby,” and then continuing down to the back of taeyong’s knees, his calves, his ankles, before he turned taeyong around, arranging him the way he wants it: head down, ass up. this way, it’s so easy to worship taeyong’s beautiful body, from his wide shoulders down to the taper of his waist, his hips, his smooth ass. 

he starts from the knobs of his spine, light kisses peppered all over his back while his hands are still touching taeyong’s abdomen and nipples. “johnny, don’t tease,” taeyong softly says. “i won’t dare,” johnny answers, slowly kissing down taeyong’s body to the place he needs johnny the most, and when he reached there he did not hesitate to lick at the rosy puckered rim. “fuck, you’re driving me crazy. _”_ johnny finally admits, before spreading his cheeks even more and dips his tongue inside him.

johnny starts to eat him out earnestly then, fucking his tongue in and out of taeyong, and taeyong was so shell-shocked he could not do anything but moan and bury his face to his thousand thread count sheets. _fuck,_ taeyong thinks, _we should slow the fuck down._ taeyong tries to look back and tells johnny that, but johnny beats him to it and asks, “where’s your lube?” 

taeyong retrieves the lube and condoms from the nightstand, the ones they bought specifically for one night stands, for _this._ because really, after jaehyun left he never brought the man of the night upstairs to the master bedroom. felt too personal. jaehyun left, and he did not know how to let someone in again simply because he won’t know how to handle people leaving him. don’t want to ever experience the sight of someone packing their belongings after living with him for so long, moving away to new york because he’s young, he’s one of the most popular fashion models in korea right now it’s only logical for him to move away and chase his dreams. while taeyong, taeyong will always be here in cheongdam-dong, alone and lonely in his king size bed smoking and drinking to his heart's content.

johnny has two of his fingers in taeyong now, he’s being so careful and slow taeyong could literally feel the excessive use of lube dripping to his taint. _maybe he likes it wet,_ he thinks. johnny alternates between scissoring his fingers and rubbing taeyong’s puckered hole. taeyong could see, could _feel_ , that johnny is well experienced when it comes to sex, because it did not take long for him to finally rub his fingers on that one spot that feels so good taeyong can’t help but rub his cock a little because he felt himself getting hard again. 

knowing that he has done something right, johnny added another finger to properly stretch him now. “you’re so fucking tight,” johnny whispers against taeyong’s tailbone while now relentlessly fingerbanging taeyong into oblivion. taeyong, helpless in johnny’s arms, can’t do anything but just lay there and take it. because all johnny did since the start, was _give, give, give._ taeyong’s wanton moans are starting to build up in volume, he’s so fucking close already it’s crazy how reactive his body is to johnny. johnny removes his fingers then and taeyong whined at the loss, so fucking ready to put it back inside and ride his fingers himself. 

“turn over,” johnny said at one point. taeyong finds it hard to differentiate reality and his thoughts when he’s on edge like this, so he stupidly asks johnny, “w-what?”

johnny litters kisses from his tailbone up to the side of taeyong’s neck, a place he knows will make taeyong’s breath hitch – a rather recent discovery johnny finds to be very endearing. “turn over, i want to see your face when i put my cock inside you,” he says while holding taeyong’s waist to assist him in turning over. he puts on more lube to his cock and when johnny looks at taeyong, taeyong looks so ruined already – his big black eyes hazy and unfocused, eyeing johnny’s cock like he’s a starved man, cheeks pink and lips wet with johnny’s spit.

johnny wets taeyong’s plush lips even more by kissing taeyong, sucking his tongue while taeyong buries his fingers on johnny’s hair some more while johnny wraps taeyong’s legs around his torso. johnny eventually breaks the kiss to put on the condom (taeyong whines when he realizes that he’s not gonna feel johnny’s cum in him but johnny shushes him and said, “next time, okay?”) and pushes his cock inside inch by inch. taeyong throws his head back against the plush pillow and says, “you’re so fucking big, johnny, fuck.” because really, how is he gonna fuck other men now once johnny leaves him like what jaehyun did? knowing johnny is literally perfect like this. 

johnny’s not a humble man, he realizes – he knows he’s well endowed and says “yeah, you like that, taeyong?” while he buries himself to the hilt until he can feel his hip bones flush against taeyong’s ass. “can i move? are you okay?” he adds.

“yes, _yes, yes,_ johnny– fuck!” taeyong groans when johnny started thrusting his cock slowly but so fucking deeply all taeyong can feel is the pleasure of smooth friction, hitting all the right spots and taeyong can’t help but mindlessly moan. “fuck,” he starts. “you’re fucking me so good, please johnny, _harder,_ ” he eventually begs.

johnny rearranges taeyong so that his knees meet his shoulders, his ass in the air completely flush against johnny’s pelvis and he starts to pound him fast and hard, making sure that his cockhead bumps that one spot he knows would make taeyong go crazy. taeyong mewls, a sound so beautiful johnny wants to keep it locked in his memory. “so fucking good,” johnny says against taeyong’s right fibula, while taeyong looks so lost in pleasure all he can do is run his hands through his chest, his shoulders, his own hair, eyebrows scrunched up and mouth hanging open – moaning and screaming expletives onto the pillows. johnny pulled out then, coaxing taeyong to turn over again. 

taeyong is so pliant like this, it’s so easy for johnny to pull his hips up and angle his ass to his liking while his shoulders are flush against the bed, arms no longer have the strength to support his body. he teases taeyong a little bit, rubbing his cock against his hole. usually johnny does not have much patience in him, likes to fuck and get done with it, but with taeyong – god knows what will happen next and even though he knows this won’t be the last, he wants to cherish taeyong’s body, imprint it on his mind. a man so beautiful, so ruined, begging for his cock, his skinny hand reached behind and guided johnny’s cock back to his rim and fucking himself with it.

johnny lets taeyong do it for a while, his hands on his waist to guide taeyong bouncing on his cock like a man starved. the room is filled with the sounds of skin slapping against skin and taeyong’s unrestrained moans. johnny starts to feel the heat pooling in his belly and so he took control of the pace, pushes the space in between taeyong’s shoulder blades to seriously thrust into him, pace relentless and unforgiving. he makes sure to hit taeyong’s prostate with accuracy because that’s what he wants, right? to come over and over again tonight?

“god, johnny, i’m so close,” taeyong breathes, he sounds so broken and strung up he’s a bit ashamed of how far gone he is. “make me come, please, _please,_ ” he turns his head to look at johnny and johnny too, looks so fucking lost in pleasure with sweat running down the side of his face making his hair wet, gaze predatory. 

when taeyong begged johnny to make him come, he expected him to wrap his fingers around his cock and jerk him off. but instead, johnny fists taeyong’s hair and pushes his head against the pillow again and angles his hips so that his cock constantly hits taeyong’s prostate. “can you cum untouched, taeyong?” he says. and _fuck,_ it’s been so long since he’s experienced a prostate orgasm – even jaehyun can only make him come untouched _once,_ now johnny’s trying to make him lose his mind on their first fuck. 

“yes, _mmh,_ i’m– i’m so close,” taeyong says as he moves in tandem with johnny, meeting him halfway. his asscheeks are probably so fucking red and raw now, he could practically feel it. suddenly johnny holds his waist to steady him, taeyong whines at the loss of control, but then johnny opts for deeper, shorter thrusts that constantly stimulates his prostate and taeyong _l_ _oses it._

he comes with a high pitched shout he could not control, something he thought he couldn’t do because it sounds like something out of a goddamn porn, orgasm so intense he feels heat coursing through his body followed by chills and zaps of electricity. taeyong runs his own hand through his abdomen, cock twitches weakly when he accidentally touches the sensitive head. “fuck, you made me come so hard, johnny,” taeyong chuckles, burying his face to the pillow. taeyong can’t feel his face.

johnny slows down then and halts to a stop, pulls out. he kisses taeyong’s neck to his jaw, to the mole underneath his lips, and finally his lips – a kiss so sweet drawing a stark contrast with the frantic fucking minutes ago. “you okay? want me to stop?” johnny asks. taeyong turns his body flat on his back now, opening his legs wide, enticing johnny to put his cock back inside him. “mmm, no, you should come,” taeyong says with a giggle, “its okay, use me. i can take it,” he adds.

johnny pushes into him once again and mutters, “ _fuck,_ you’re fucking insatiable,” against taeyong’s lips. this time, he’s being greedy, chasing for a release that suddenly feels so fucking near he can feel it on his fingertips. taeyong’s still sensitive but he likes the pain, his moans filling the room once again. being used by johnny like this, makes him feel like he wants to be the one owned by johnny instead – when in reality, this liaison means he owns johnny, because after this, taeyong will be the one paying for his tuition, his projects, his needs. johnny’s gonna be a filmmaker, right? but still, he wonders what it feels like to be owned by johnny. right now, he also wonders what his cum tastes like, so he offers johnny a “do you want to cum in my mouth, baby?” against his jaw.

this seems to break something in johnny and taeyong hopes it was his self control. “fuck,” he breathes, he hurriedly stops his thrusts and pulls out, takes off the condom too with no care in this world, and scoots so that he brackets taeyong’s neck with his knees. taeyong chuckles and opens his mouth, helps johnny stroke his cock with his smaller hand, angling the head to his mouth – cock so slick the sound and the sight of it is downright sinful and dirty.

johnny fists the hair on top of taeyong’s head then, and pulls a surprised moan out of taeyong along with a cheeky giggle. johnny moans then, the loudest he’s ever let out tonight as if it’s irrepressible. “i’m gonna come, f-fuck! open wide, baby,” johnny says while still stroking his cock, chasing for that sweet, sweet release. taeyong can’t help but chuckle at the way johnny still calls him _baby,_ when he’s much older than johnny. the first spurts of his cum landed on taeyong’s tongue and as soon as he tasted it, he closed his lips on johnny’s cockhead, sucking his release. johnny pants against his upper arm, propping himself against the wall so that he doesn’t fall over taeyong. taeyong bobbed his head a little bit, coaxing the rest of his release out of johnny. next time, he’s gonna ask johnny to fuck his mouth. 

johnny collapses next to taeyong instantly – boneless, sweaty, fucked outta his mind. taeyong can hear him try to control his breathing like he just ran a marathon. taeyong cuddled up closer to johnny, throwing his legs over his body and circling his arms around his neck. he pressed open-mouthed kiss to his clavicles, leaving marks he knew johnny will struggle to cover up. johnny turned his head to kissed him fully on his mouth before he asked against taeyong’s lips, “want me to clean you up? or run you a bath maybe?” and with that, taeyong smiled against his lips and said, “yeah, a bath with you sounds nice.”

* * *

“how did you know yukhei, johnny?” taeyong finally breaks the comfortable silence. although it’s not really silence when they can hear the sounds of johnny’s lips smacking against taeyong’s bare skin and the noise of the water. they’re in a tub, together. taeyong’s back flush against johnny’s pecs. taeyong on johnny’s lap, while johnny held him close – one arm circled around his waist and another one on the inside of his thigh. his lips on taeyong’s nape, inhaling the smell of a tom ford body wash – the things that the riches can afford is baffling to johnny. the tv above the tub is on (again, the riches are weird), although nobody really pays attention to it; volume too low for anyone to actually listen. the colors from the screen paints both of them in a mess of blues and pinks, and johnny thinks taeyong is so beautiful and otherworldly like this – his wet hair a bit too long and the bangs sometimes falls over his eyes which is why they're tucked behind his ears, his perfect nose, his lips, all painted in a soft blue glow. almost like a fallen angel. it’s not until taeyong lets out a soft _hey,_ that johnny realizes that taeyong was talking to him. 

“sorry, lost in thoughts,” he kissed taeyong oh so tenderly that taeyong giggled and smiled against his lips, “yukhei? well – he modeled for one of my projects last year. and we’ve been close since,” he explains.

taeyong just answers him with a soft hum, before reaching out for his shampoo and starts lathering shampoo to his hair. johnny takes the hint, and washes taeyong’s hair for him before washing his own. they rinse it out in silence, and when the water turns lukewarm, johnny left the tub and prepared for taeyong’s bathrobe; wraps his body with it and dries his hair. in bed, wrapped around each other – now with clothes on – taeyong kissed johnny one last time that night, so chaste and lovely johnny wonders if this is something his unconsciousness made up, scared that it’s only a dream. but no, johnny is awake, and that kiss was indeed real, and taeyong sighs against johnny’s warm neck and hugs his chest tighter. his breath eventually slows and the grip around his ribs looser.

johnny though – can’t seem to sleep and turn his mind off, thoughts not slowing down. _what now? what will happen now? now that i’ve fucked him and know how beautiful his moans are, i really don’t know what this is._ yukhei once told him, that if he scores taeyong then he’s hit a jackpot – but johnny’s scared of his own feelings. scared of the things that he will do to make taeyong really _his_.

when morning comes, johnny’s awaken from the sound of taeyong taking a shower. suddenly he’s fully awake, aware of the situation he’s in now, in a warm bed so expensive he probably has to work for a whole lifetime to afford it. he had to fight the plush comforter to get out of the bed, walking towards the source of the sound. taeyong’s in the shower, the vapor from the hot water fogged up the shower glass door although he can still see clearly the shape of taeyong’s small body – his hourglass shaped torso, small waist and slightly wide hips.

johnny’s cock twitches at the sight, memories of last night – taeyong’s lithe body, his moans, his gaze – suddenly crept up to him when he’s most defenseless. he opens the shower door, taeyong turns his head and smiled shyly, demurely at his direction. johnny takes the bait, holds his body and pulls taeyong’s backside close against his front, hands exploring the expanse of taeyong’s torso and kisses him hard. the water is a bit too hot for johnny’s liking, but he did not bother to complain. he'd rather kiss taeyong some more and suck his bottom lip while he still can.

“you’re early,” johnny says when he finally breaks the kiss. taeyong faces johnny competely now, circling his arms around his neck and kisses johnny fully on his mouth. “mmm, i have something to take care of in my office,” he says. johnny hums, of course someone so stupidly rich like taeyong would be this busy, even early in the morning. he kisses taeyong some more, backs him up against the shower glass, ruts his half hard cock against taeyong’s.

he’s half hard too, and he moaned so unabashedly and drops to his knees; kissing johnny’s adonis belt. johnny braces his body against the glass, and closes his eyes when taeyong starts to take him into his mouth, and _fuck, he’s so fucking good at this._ usually, his past sex partners would find blowing him hard due to his size but taeyong – his tongue is skilled and practiced, he wonders how long he will last. he sways his hips a little, thrusting experimentally to test taeyong’s limits. 

taeyong looks up then, watching johnny watching him with hungry eyes, and begins to bob his head, like a switch turned on – purposely fucking his throat with johnny’s cock. he gags and coughs a little, but he carried on. johnny is amazed beyond words and also so fucking turned on that _the_ lee taeyong, the man of his fucking dreams, so fucking beautiful that last night when they were in the tub together, he wanted to make a movie about him – about a fallen angel lost in the haze of lust, pleasure, sex, and everything nice. 

“ _fuck_ ,” johnny groans; lost for words. he holds taeyong’s head in place and fucks his mouth properly now, taeyong’s hands holding johnny’s glutes to steady himself. johnny can’t differentiate the tears on taeyong’s face and the steady streams from the shower, although whenever johnny slows down, taeyong would willingly fuck his cock back into his throat. johnny can’t warn taeyong before he cums, all he did was grip taeyong’s soft _soft_ hair and taeyong just _knows._ he swallows around johnny, and all johnny can do is let out a hoarse, long moan, because _that_ is the blowjob of his life. taeyong moans around him when he tastes johnny. 

johnny helped him stand up then, kissing the daylights out of taeyong after that. “you’re fucking amazing,” johnny admits. taeyong giggled although it rapidly turned into a moan when johnny starts to stroke him – fast and tight with his hand, so slick with the water from the shower. it didn’t even take too long for taeyong to cum, and he moaned johnny’s name against his mouth, breathing each other’s breath.

they wash each other’s back after that, followed by johnny toweling taeyong’s hair dry. taeyong then leaves the guest room to dress because yeah, sometimes johnny forgets taeyong is fucking loaded and probably has his own walking closet. 

they left the apartment afterwards, this time with an audi rather than the benz, taeyong dropping johnny off in front of his apartment. johnny thinks that sooner or later, he'd probably move out of here and move in with taeyong if they keep this up. the penthouse is way too big anyway. they kissed again, because both of them just couldn't help it, keeping it chaste and as innocent as possible, although taeyong really wanted to climb to his lap then and there. 

“i’ll see you soon,” taeyong whispered on his lips. johnny smiled and kissed him one last time, getting out of the car. the last thing he saw before closing the car door was taeyong’s lovely smile, happiness look good on him. like this, he's so much younger looking and carefree than the lee taeyong he met last night in his showcase, lonely and lost in his overpriced lanvin suit. but johnny must admit, he looked so fucking good in it. 

the first thing his roommate, yuta said to him was, “damn, did you fuck an old rich woman or something? you smell fucking nice.” johnny just grinned at that and told yuta, "maybe, a magician never reveals his secrets. and also, u might need to find a new roommate." yuta gawked at him for that. johnny chuckled.

by the time he’s ordering his coffee at a nearby starbucks, he received a text from taeyong.

**lee taeyong [11:11 AM]:**

u make me so happy

i paid for it, baby

now go make me proud

and come over tonight, i miss u already

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, this is my first ever attempt in writing fics. this concept has been bugging my mind 24/7 (mostly at work, tbh). my phone broke down and i have a long weekend ahead of me so i feel like it would be the best time to finally pour it into actual words. english is not my first language so i apologize for the grammatical errors or confusing pov. i have a plan that this work will be a chaptered fic, but i'm still trying to figure out what happens next hehe. lastly, i hope you enjoy this and i would very much want to hear your opinion about this. thank you. anyway, come talk to me on my [twitter!](https://twitter.com/erosaquarius)


	2. Chapter 2

johnny feels like walking on cloud nine ever since _that_ night. not just because of the extra money and the more-than-great sex with someone as beautiful as taeyong, but because of the security he felt after being so anxious about his degree, money, and food for so long. johnny’s an SNU student, sure, any typical korean parents would be proud as hell if their son goes to SNU. of course they’re proud of johnny, but pursuing his passion for art does come with a cost which means johnny has to pay for it himself. johnny used to hate his parents for this, but now he's over it. especially since taeyong has johnny's back.

with taeyong added to his equation, life seems so easy, because that's how life is when you're filthy rich like him. 

_“you don’t have to live like that anymore, baby,”_ taeyong whispers, after johnny basically told him about his day; a particularly rough one.

he told taeyong that after he finished his class, he had a meeting for a new project he’s currently working on. and this project is different than the other ones he had worked on. significantly _bigger._ something he worked so hard for, that’s why he’s been doing projects all year long to impress household-name directors, even though he really doesn’t have the time and the money for it. and that’s why he needed a sponsor. you see, johnny’s desperate. but for his love for film, he’d do anything. _everything._

there was a time when taeyong offered johnny his connections with popular directors he know, but of course johnny declined. _no, i want to do this myself. let me show the world what i’m capable of. please, don’t ever do that, okay?_ taeyong kissed him then, whispers an _okay, baby,_ so softly that it’s almost unheard.

when the opportunity to work with a young, independent director that is starting to be known in korea came, johnny was over the moon. that’s _something,_ at least for johnny. johnny couldn't believe that he's gonna work together with that director for this project. they're supposed to be meeting but suddenly it rained so hard when he’s about to get off the bus and johnny is so stupid for not bringing an umbrella – something he doesn’t need when he’s with taeyong day and night, because he would never let him get rained on. would never let johnny struggle. 

and yeah, reality hits him hard. he shouldn’t be that shocked because, well, this is how life was before taeyong. it rained so hard that afternoon and he had no choice but to brave the rain because he’d rather vanish from the earth than to be late and disappointing. so he showed up to the meeting all drenched from head to toe. the young director gave him a weird look but at least he showed up on time or else he's just gonna be wet and stupid.

he was shivering during the meeting, part from the cold and part from nervousness. but it went well. they've decided to make a short film together – something that they can submit to film festivals. it's a small team, really, so he's doing most of the work too.

johnny told taeyong this, too used to being self-deprecating and making fun of himself and his sad stories, only to realize that he sounded like he’s _whining_ to taeyong, the taeyong that is willing to give him the world if he could. 

_“i’ll give you anything, if you ask. so please, just tell me.”_ he pulled away to gaze into johnny’s eyes.

when johnny told him about his rough day, this is not what he expected from taeyong. he expected him to cuddle him, coo at him, hug him closer. laugh at him. maybe say, _yeah, i know what you feel, i’ve been there too._

taeyong still hugged him closer, gave him a small kiss to his hair even. but the way he told johnny he’d give him _everything_ kept johnny wide awake, tense and confused.

_wealthy, lonely men are weird because they won't think twice before throwing their money for someone that provides them with a little bit of contentment._

johnny can never understand that because he has no money to throw to begin with, but maybe, taeyong was just _that_ lonely and heartbroken. johnny would’ve went crazy too if someone he loves dearly for years left him to a place far, far away.

taeyong could’ve moved to new york, too. now why didn’t he? 

* * *

here’s the thing.

johnny is ready to bare his soul to taeyong. johnny has always been so open to people, wears his heart on his sleeves. and it’s not like taeyong rejects his vulnerability, he _listens._ ears, eyes, heart open for johnny. he tries to understand johnny’s struggles, although he of course couldn't relate – taeyong never said it himself but johnny _knows_ taeyong never struggled for money all his life. hell, his parents paid for a fucking art school abroad. johnny’s parents are kind and supportive in their own way too, but they would never do that for him.

he could also see that taeyong is not ready to be completely vulnerable with johnny. he barely talks about his personal life, always deflecting the subject so that johnny talks about himself instead, entertaining taeyong with his stories. johnny has taeyong’s body, his money, his attention. but he wants _more._

johnny’s a hopeless romantic at heart, that’s why he’s a filmmaker. he _can't_ live without love.

(he's not sure about what he feels about taeyong, yet. it’s still far from love. to someone so cheesy like johnny, love must be intense and life changing. full of screaming and making love. just like in the movies. but johnny’s sure as hell, if they keep this up, he will eventually _love_ taeyong. it’s inevitable.)

* * *

the next morning, johnny woke up with no taeyong beside him. recently, they started to have sex in taeyong’s _real_ bedroom instead of the spare guest bedroom. a great improvement, johnny admits. although this room is so much bigger and without taeyong in it, it feels so… empty. lonely. 

_“taeyong? no, he doesn’t do parties anymore. he drinks alone in his bedroom. ten told me he’s so lonely these days, so this is the perfect chance for you to meet him, john.” yukhei said, now history._

yeah, no wonder he was lonely. any cheerful, single man would be lonely too if he lives alone in a place so big and sleeps on a bed so damn cold.

johnny vaguely remembers the ghost of a kiss this morning. or was it a dream? it’s something johnny is used to by now – waking up alone – because taeyong is a busy, busy man meeting with potential clients, dealing with artworks, while also engaging with new, emerging artists in just a span of a day. he's amazing.

his loneliness this morning is not something that he can blame taeyong for – he _knows_ taeyong would do anything to spend the morning with johnny. a luxury reserved for sundays because usually saturdays are for taeyong’s weekly visit to his clients, especially the ones outside seoul. although on saturdays, mornings are a bit slower and johnny could indulge taeyong with morning sex, if he's lucky.

but why would johnny be sad, when he found that taeyong secretly put one of his car keys – the benz which door he personally opened for taeyong that rainy night they first met, the same car taeyong took him home with for the first time – inside johnny’s bag, free for johnny to use to his heart’s content.

why would johnny be sad, when taeyong constantly showers him with all of the materialistic things that he has always wanted but couldn’t afford before?

the glint of the key draws a stark contrast against johnny’s shabby, leather shoulder bag. that key alone is probably so much more expensive than johnny’s bag. still, he put the car key on the dining table. he left the penthouse and never looked back, so sure of his decision. he took the train home. 

_“why didn’t you take the car, johnny?”_ taeyong one day asked, on a rainy afternoon. they're curled up together on the couch, listening to one of taeyong's LP record collections. johnny knows taeyong tried his best to make it sound like it’s just a silly, harmless question. but taeyong has always been easy to read – taeyong _is_ disappointed, albeit just a little bit.

 _“i like the train more,”_ he said. _“sometimes inspiration comes to me when i watch people on the train. besides, i daydream all the time. driving would be dangerous for someone like me,”_ johnny chuckled, he’s not lying.

(taeyong bought him a lot of new tools too for work. his colleague did not ask further when he saw the shiny new leica.)

* * *

taeyong also has a knack for dressing johnny to the nines. _these clothes wouldn’t look good on me, that’s why i gave it to you,_ he said. it’s his way of saying, _i’m obsessed with your body and i can’t keep my mind off of you._

first it was just a simple pair of saint laurent boots to test the waters, then gradually turned into something bigger and more expensive – a rolex watch, a dior bag. recently taeyong gifted him an outfit from the most recent bottega veneta collection. johnny fucked him all night after that, taeyong cried because johnny was so adamant on making him come until he physically couldn’t; one of johnny's favorite pastime activities.

all those expensive gifts from taeyong, he can’t say he’s not happy about it. johnny has always dreamed of luxury. he gets to taste a little bit of it now but he doesn't really know if he'll really fit in, like taeyong. because he's still the same old johnny, just with better clothes. still, he doesn't really use the things taeyong gave him, because:

  1. johnny sees it as something precious and he does not want to ever lose it or break it,
  2. he doesn’t know how to explain to people, when they ask: _what the fuck happened? why are you driving a benz? that’s a cool bag, oh, it’s margiela! how much is it? i thought you’re broke? how the fuck did you get so rich overnight?_



man, all he needed was someone to pay for his school tuition. what he's getting are so much more than that. he gets to kiss taeyong, fuck him slow, hard, any way he wants every night. but the excess luxury taeyong provided him, he doesn’t really need that. he can live without it.

because now that johnny knows how serene taeyong looks when he sleep – the moonlight casting both light and shadow on his angelic face – johnny just wants to protect him if taeyong lets him. _if only,_ taeyong lets him.

he doesn’t know since when his heart does a fucking backflip whenever taeyong laughed at his cheeky, bad joke. but then taeyong is so beautiful, inside and out that it isn’t hard for him to _fall in love_ with him.

johnny’s train of thought abruptly stopped when the word _love_ came out of nowhere.

even his mind is betraying him.

* * *

it’s not like taeyong is not ready to open his heart for johnny. hell, for taeyong, johnny had his heart the moment he shook taeyong’s cold, trembling hands that night at ten’s party. taeyong practically threw himself to johnny right after that too, they fucked so often these days that days and weeks can somehow blur into a hazy, prolonged memory. 

johnny holds his small body every night, his body warmth so comforting that he couldn’t sleep when johnny’s not there to hold him. he’s in too _deep_ already, it's honestly disorienting for taeyong. how can one meeting change someone’s life so much? _why didn't he meet johnny sooner? where were you when i was so broken over him?_

taeyong used to think johnny’s a saint, but no, he’s an angel. he's so sweet to taeyong, really. kisses taeyong good morning and good night, he cooks taeyong homemade food, runs him a warm bath and washes his back, massaging it after a tense day at work. or maybe not, because no angel would fuck him so good he could feel it for days and make him still wanting more.

 _you’re acting like, you know, a husband,_ taeyong once said lightheartedly, kissing johnny’s nape and hugging him from behind. johnny’s using an apron that taeyong doesn’t even know he had somewhere in this house. johnny’s cooking him kimchi jjigae, and taeyong laughed when johnny offered him a spoonful of broth so that he could season it the way taeyong wants it, like something out of a rom-com. it’s actually perfect.

he had a tough, tough time at work that very same day, so tough that he expected to be fucked senseless by johnny the moment he got home. but no, johnny is so sweet and cooked him dinner first, watched taeyong eat, and then held him close. they didn't even fuck, because really... when people sex is not everything in life, taeyong doesn’t get it. _sex is not everything to you because you’re probably a fucking prude and never experience a good fuck,_ taeyong once thought. but now, he _knows_ why. because sex really is not everything, sometimes all you need is a little bit of assurance from suh johnny.

taeyong is a bit ashamed to admit this, but he never felt this happy and fulfilled his whole life. growing up comfortable and earning good money from the moment he graduated, all he knew is money. different ways of acquiring instant gratification. sex, alcohol, _drugs._ parties that never end, the ones that he and ten used to attend religiously. but johnny – johnny showed him that there’s more to life, encourages him to only chase for the things that truly matter. something that he’s been missing out but he can’t figure out what. something he’s been so scared of asking from someone but johnny gave him so freely and selflessly, without making it feel like charity to taeyong. 

to be frank, he’s still afraid.

* * *

taeyong believes that johnny has his heart since the very first moment taeyong laid his eyes on him. but little did taeyong know, the heart he gave to johnny that day was a locked safe which key he threw to the sea the moment jaehyun boarded that plane to new york. and johnny would do anything to have that key back because now that he has that security in life provided by taeyong, he longs for his open heart too. 

one afternoon, johnny was waiting for his coffee at a cafe near his campus, a place so full of art students getting their daily caffeine fix and the air weirdly smells like santal by le labo. 

he didn’t realize at first, but the tv was showing pictures and montages of jung jaehyun; the korean model that walked for prada, dior, and saint laurent. _bottega veneta._ a face that he’s now used to see on the first page of vogue, wmag, and i-D.

_(he sometimes see him in his nightmares too, but johnny won't admit that. in that nightmare, taeyong and jaehyun are still together. johnny watches from a far.)_

born in seoul, based in new york city now. the presenter announced that after a hard decision of leaving seoul in such a young age, jaehyun’s sacrifice did not go to waste as he is now one of the most popular models in the world and is nominated the model of the year by the industry's professionals. 

a girl sitting behind his table commented, “jung jaehyun used to have a serious boyfriend right?”

her friend replied, “yeah, he dated that art dealer. the pretty one that graduated from central saint martins. i heard he almost missed out on the new york deal because he didn’t wanna leave him.”

the first girl who started the conversation then said, “lee taeyong? ah, of course someone like him would go for pretty, rich guys.” then the topic ceased, the girl is now talking about another male model.

this isn’t news to johnny. everybody, literally _everybody_ in this line of work, _knows_ taeyong and jaehyun used to date. johnny even saw both of them last year in a gala held by vogue korea. he practically saw them kiss, held hands. saw how taeyong looked at jaehyun and how jaehyun looked at taeyong. johnny fucks taeyong on the daily too now and he finds this situation a bit funny. johnny – a side character to their story, a _voyeur –_ is now one of the main characters, hoping to replace the male's protagonist's lover.

since johnny holds taeyong (almost) every night too, he wonders. is there someone else who's eyeing taeyong the way he used to? but then his train of thoughts stopped because.. well, all they do is fuck behind closed doors anyway. johnny's probably supposed to be taeyong's pretty little secret and he couldn't stop people from eyeing taeyong anyway because someone as beautiful as lee taeyong – he's such a treat for sore eyes and johnny has to know how to swallow the bitter pill by now.

johnny’s possessive and he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong about it; there’s nothing wrong about being possessive to the things he owns. 

the problem is, he doesn’t own taeyong. he’s too scared that he will overstep the boundaries they have now, too scared that taeyong will break it off with him because he knows he’s not over jaehyun yet, he’s not ready to do the same thing he used to do when jaehyun was here, with johnny. 

but then again, taeyong agreed to money. companionship. sex. that’s it. johnny's so spoiled already he better learn when to stop asking for more.

* * *

taeyong is so strung up today, called johnny the moment he gets home, practically _begging_ for him to come over. the moment johnny opens his bedroom door, taeyong is on him immediately, kissing and stripping his coat, his shirt, his jeans and his underwear off of his tan skin. the belt made a loud clang when it hits taeyong’s expensive cold marble floors and that’s when his sanity came back. taeyong stopped kissing him, ashamed for acting like a bitch in heat and opts for hugging and nuzzling his face against johnny’s naked chest instead.

“hard day at work?” johnny chuckled. 

“yeah, old businessmen with no sense of art are the worst. ugly too.” taeyong answered.

“with the models you meet everyday, of course typical men look ugly to you, baby.” johnny lightheartedly said. 

he didn’t mean to sound bitter, didn’t mean to take a dig at taeyong for mentioning _models._ but yeah, he’s been bothered with the thoughts of jaehyun _and_ taeyong lately, he simply hopes that the bastard never comes back from new york. taeyong did not seem to realize or take offense, because he _indeed sees_ models everyday. yukhei did say taeyong dated lots of other models before jaehyun. you see, the people that do art, film, fashion, music – they mingled together. taeyong pouts, and kisses johnny so sweetly.

* * *

he's panting against johnny’s neck now. 

hips, thighs, and knees hard at work, riding johnny’s cock to oblivion. they’ve been at it for a while now, taeyong insisted on riding johnny. work today was so fucking tiring, meeting stubborn clients after clients – demanding him to find pieces that would complement an ugly big space of their pretentious corporate building lobby. not knowing what they want and yet still so fucking picky, taeyong hates that kind of people the most. he’s lucky he gets paid a fortune for this or else he would’ve yeeted himself back to london, taking a master’s degree or something. 

“take it easy,” johnny whispers against taeyong’s hair while his hand steadies taeyong’s hip – recently taeyong dyed his hair lighter. taeyong with black hair looked younger, boyish. clean. but right now, with his hair longer, dark ashy-lilac although it’s gonna get lighter when the dye washes off later, he looks like a nymph. a creature so beautiful that johnny thinks taeyong actually belongs in mythology books.

or is taeyong a siren? because right now, johnny feels like taeyong is purposefully trying to drag johnny to an impending shipwreck.

taeyong stopped his frantic movements abruptly then, thigh muscles taut. he slumped against johnny’s body, out of breath. and johnny can’t ignore the way taeyong sobbed and whined, still trying his best to chase that pleasure. _he’s frustrated,_ johnny thinks. taeyong's movements are much smaller now, moving his hips in circular motion instead. in this position, johnny is so deep inside him. 

johnny coaxes taeyong to look up, combs his wet hair backwards so that he could look into taeyong’s eyes better. johnny genuinely thinks that taeyong has the most beautiful pair of eyes in the world – so dark he could see himself and the reflections of the stars in it. “what’s wrong, baby?” he asks. 

“cramp,” taeyong answers. that’s the truth. “it hurts, don’t wanna stop though.” he continues, stopping his movements completely now, inhaling johnny’s musky scent. hearing that taeyong is in pain, he slowly pulled out, shushing taeyong when he was about to whine and complain – turning taeyong over so that he lays on his side and then spooning him, one hand underneath his head cradling his head and the other brings his hips flush to his front. taeyong is so warm, his skin is so soft and glowy from sweat.

he rearranges taeyong’s legs then, spreading it a little in a way that won’t hurt him anymore. in the meantime he kisses taeyong and caresses taeyong’s soft skin. taeyong grinded his backside against johnny’s cock and the sweet, tender moment came to end. 

johnny enters him once again, his hole so slick and warm johnny's breath hitched at how maddening it felt. taeyong lets out a breathy, high pitched moan that sounds like a gust of a wind on a sunny day and johnny moves slowly. his right hand gripping taeyong’s hips, scared that he will over-exert himself and hurt himself again. 

this close, with his forehead touching the back of taeyong’s neck, taeyong’s moans sounds muffled like they’re fucking underwater, and they fuck so slow that it feels more dirty, a bit hedonistic. like they have all the time in the world. like they could fuck for lifetimes.

johnny feels his heart hammering in his chest because _this,_ this isn’t casual fucking anymore. this has stopped being casual for a while now and none of them would ever have the guts to bring this up and talk about it. confrontations aren't something they're good at, johnny thinks.

two cowards.

johnny tries to ignore the thought, opts for bringing taeyong really, really close to his body so that only his hips are moving, thrusts short but so deep. he wants taeyong to remember what his cock feels like for days, so that he seeks johnny and johnny only. 

taeyong is a demanding sex partner, because right now, he’s whining, begging for _please, johnny. right there. fuck me harder._ a minute later, _johnny, f-fuck, i’m close. touch me._ johnny takes pity on him, realizes that taeyong had a long day at work and his body is probably aching so bad now. 

he picked up the pace, taeyong’s orgasm his top priority now. the hand that was holding his hip now circling his torso, resting his palm against taeyong’s bony shoulder. he fucked him harder, just like what he begged for. the sounds of skin slapping against skin lose out to the noise taeyong is making, muffling his screams against johnny’s arm. this is what johnny loves about sex with taeyong, taeyong is unashamed in showing how ruined he is from the mind-bending pleasure, face expressive like an open book. _self indulgent._

the pace is so fervent now, taeyong’s hands gripping johnny’s protective arm, slung around his torso. if the ceiling of taeyong’s bedroom can capture this moment, taeyong looks like he’s scared that he’ll fall over but johnny won’t let him, holding him close – like telling him _don't be scared, i won't let you fall. i won't ever let you down._

this time, johnny shifted his body a little, trying to get even closer to taeyong, his free hand stroking taeyong's cock the way taeyong likes it – fast and slick. usually, taeyong would shrug it away because taeyong _loves_ coming untouched. but today, he doesn’t think he has that patience in him, he just wants to come already. 

taeyong’s body locked up then, so tense johnny’s a bit scared he’d pull a muscle again. he downright _screamed_ a little when he came. johnny decided that he likes that noise. _that’s new._

johnny continued thrusting, chasing for his own release. after that first night, he discovers that taeyong _loves_ the feeling of overstimulation, never once stopping johnny from fucking him even after coming. johnny accidentally bumps against his prostate and taeyong screamed again and his hole goes so tight that johnny can’t help but cum inside him, without warning – taken aback from the sudden pleasure.

both of them are now breathless, body and bed so wet from sweat, tears, and taeyong's come. whoever is doing taeyong’s laundry and changing it everyday is doing god’s work.

johnny’s postcoital bliss is cut short when he realizes that he came inside taeyong. that never happened before. they were in a hurry today, taeyong keeps on begging johnny to _hurry, hurry_ that johnny forgoes protection. it’s not their first time fucking raw but usually johnny comes in taeyong’s mouth or on his tummy. johnny is so lost in thoughts that he didn’t realize taeyong starts kissing him. 

“sorry i came inside,” johnny apologizes as soon as taeyong broke the kiss. he tried to play it cool although his heart is thudding and taeyong can probably feel it. 

“it’s okay johnny, i like it,” taeyong kisses johnny some more. johnny holds taeyong close and kissed him sincrely, moving his hips to pull out. taeyong whines and grinds his hips so that johnny’s cock slides back inside, completely to the hilt. back to square one. _god, it’s so fucking wet,_ johnny blushes. johnny is not a prude, but _this,_ this is _filthy._

“no, let me warm your cock a little,” taeyong giggled. 

johnny is so shell-shocked he did not know how to form a smart reply to that (his poor dick twitched, too) because, _fuck he’s gonna die and that’s because of lee taeyong._ so he just laid there and held taeyong close, suddenly so nervous like he’s doing something remotely sexual for the first time. taeyong’s breath slows like he’s about to fall asleep.

johnny’s not a fan of silence. he knows taeyong is not asleep, because they’re playing footsies under taeyong’s silk comforter. _why won’t taeyong say anything?_ pillow talk isn’t johnny’s forte, but he's willing to try – because to him silence is unsettling. but apparently, when you’re in postcoital bliss you tend to blurt out something stupid out of confidence,

like, _“how did you and jaehyun met?”_

taeyong physically tensed. in under different circumstances, johnny would’ve moaned because as a matter of fact, his dick is still inside taeyong. instead, johnny would’ve paid good money (yes, the money he earned himself, not taeyong's) for someone to slap him _right now_.

“jaehyun?” taeyong starts after a long pause. his voice soft, unsure. a little bit cold. johnny wishes he could see his face right now, but he’s scared shitless. “to tell you the truth, i can’t remember, it’s been a long time, you know? probably at a party or something.”

all johnny can manage was just a stupid “okay,” and he peppered kisses all over taeyong’s neck. a silent _i'm sorry, i didn’t know what i was thinking, please don’t hate me because i cannot live without you._

johnny learned his lesson, maybe he should’ve let silence be and leave it at that.

“hey, let’s soak a little,” johnny tries to shift the mood, because he knows that a bath would make taeyong feel better and it's something taeyong never turned down before since day one. or maybe because johnny wants to see taeyong skin bathed in multicolor sheen from the tv above his tub like that night the first time they fucked. 

“no, not tonight,” taeyong finally answers. johnny’s breath hitched at the rejection. 

taeyong reached behind to pull johnny’s cock out of him and he got up from the bed, walking to the ensuite bathroom alone. leaving johnny and his dread alone, because it’s clear as day, that: 

  1. what he has with taeyong right now, is _very_ different than what jaehyun and taeyong had,
  2. taeyong is probably not over jung jaehyun,
  3. and lastly, for someone who goes to SNU, johnny’s a bit stupid.



johnny cleaned himself that night. when taeyong goes back to bed, to _him_ , johnny held him so close, afraid that this will be the last time he's ever gonna be this close to him. taeyong still held his hand when they spooned and hummed when johnny kissed his jaw and that alone, eased the pain temporarily in johnny’s heart. 

it’s scary how taeyong affects him already. johnny’s like taeyong’s oversized lapdog at this point – wagging his tail whenever taeyong gives him the slightest bit of affection. a lapdog that would think the world is ending if he disappoints taeyong just a little.

* * *

the next morning, johnny woke up first. taeyong is still in bed, finally sleeps facing johnny. his expression is so soft like this, at peace. johnny took his chance to really _see_ him, trying to remember every small detail of his face. the scar under his right eye. taeyong said that people think the scar look like a rose. johnny disagrees, because to him it’s like a chrysanthemum instead. he remembers how taeyong laughed at his statement. 

when he’s completely still like this, taeyong is like a doll, crafted to perfection by an artist. his long eyelashes, thick brows forming a little bit of a cute frown, his cheekbones, his sharp jaw, his lips that have given him so much pleasure, his soft, soft lilac hair. _how did johnny get so lucky?_

they were too horny out of their minds yesterday, black-out curtain forgotten to be closed. the room is so bright now and johnny’s naked back is really warm from the sunlight, it’s borderline uncomfortable. his body is shielding taeyong from the onslaught of morning light. a little bit of light reaches the top of taeyong’s head, it’s sheen resembles a halo. 

_the redemption of a fallen angel,_ johnny muses.

“go back to sleep,” taeyong suddenly mumbled. johnny would never thought a voice so soft like that would make him jump out of his skin. taeyong turned over, back facing johnny now, probably aware of johnny’s stares. johnny counts the mole on taeyong's back for a moment and pulls him close, holding taeyong’s hand against his abdomen mirroring what he did last night. he nuzzled his face against taeyong’s skin too, soft like velvet. peppered his back and his nape with open mouthed kisses for good measure. _this,_ johnny thinks, is how he should wake up every morning.

taeyong faced johnny then, smiled, and kissed johnny's bottom lip. they’re used to each other’s morning breath by now. johnny indulged him and kissed him properly, thumb caressing the sharp slope of taeyong’s jaw. 

“i’m sorry for last night,” taeyong said against his lips. 

well, johnny did not expect that. shouldn’t johnny be the one apologizing?

“i’m not mad at you, okay?” taeyong continued, now looking at johnny’s eyes. “it’s just… it’s been hard, especially since he left.” taeyong looked away, facing the ceiling instead now. in this angle, johnny can finally admire taeyong’s perfect side profile. the rose? chrysanthemum? shaped scar on full view. taeyong sighed and closed his eyes. a stray tear falling down his beautiful face and johnny chased it down with his thumb, wiping it away. 

taeyong chuckled and again, all he said was _sorry._ johnny’s chest physically hurt seeing taeyong like this. he has been dreaming for the day that taeyong would show him his vulnerability, but now he doesn’t ever wanna see that taeyong in pain again.

johnny just laid there and stroked taeyong’s hair, like comforting a small animal – scared that he’d run away. but the truth is, there’s a lot that johnny wanted to say.

he wants to say, _has it been hard when i was there too, holding you? you said that i make you happy, was that a lie? you look so fucking sad that i want to shed my tears for you. please, don’t do this to me. the thought of you leaving scares the shit of me. what can i do to make you forget him? am i not enough? it’s okay that i don’t have you, just please don’t ever be sad again._

but johnny settled for a weak “it’s okay,” and kissed his bare shoulder. “i’m sorry too,” he added.

forgiveness has never been this beautiful and sad all at the same time.

* * *

“you see that guy everyday, are you two a thing?” ten asks. ten has always been like this, a total polar opposite of taeyong. he speaks his mind. he’s not afraid of confrontation, hell, he’d confront anything first if he could. _that’s because my venus is in aries,_ ten once said. _yeah, whatever. i don’t even know what that means,_ taeyong replied.

“which guy?” taeyong finally answers, trying to buy himself some time so that he doesn’t have to face ten’s confrontation. taeyong knows that the guy ten meant is johnny. 

“you know which, lee taeyong. the film school guy! the one you fucked everyday since you met him!” ten snaps jokingly, knows damn well that taeyong is just avoiding the inevitable _johnny_ _talk_ on purpose.

“okay first of all, we don’t _do it_ everyday ever since we met. stop making me sound like, like– like i’m a weird–” taeyong tries to explain, clearly struggling to find a family-friendly word fitting for this situation. because hell, they’re having a brunch like two old men, surrounded by actual old people also having brunch. some with their grandchildren, so taeyong tries his best to not to traumatize them.

“like a bitch in heat?” ten chuckles. one of the things ten enjoy the most is seeing a flustered taeyong. ten can hear the weak _shut up!_ from taeyong. “weird? you talking very pg-rated like _this_ , is weird _._ ” 

“we’re not a thing,” taeyong sighs. 

“why not?” ten genuinely asks, doesn’t even try to hold himself and his curiosity. because yeah, why not?

“well,” taeyong sighs. _let’s get this over with,_ he thinks. he was about to answer with something cliché, something _diplomatic_ , but then he accidentally spits out the truth instead.

“of course i’m not ready to be in a relationship again after, you know, all that.” he starts, making a gesture with his hands that screams _mess._ “but he’s just.. he’s been so kind to me, and i feel like i don’t deserve that, you know? okay, more than kind. he– he takes care of me. and i’m scared, ten, what if he goes away, like.. like jaehyun. he’d be graduating soon, god i don’t know how broken i would be if he suddenly told me that he wanna go to hollywood or paris or... something. what if he's planning on going back to school, abroad? i'm not against all of that because i want him to be happy, but i think that would break me, like _for real,_ ten. he’s young and i don’t want to hold him back, you know? maybe i should just, find someone my age, an old fart maybe. settle down. maybe marriage? ugh, no, okay maybe not to that extent–” taeyong rambles.

“taeyong, you’re not making any sense,” ten tries.

“i’m just, so fucking scared,” taeyong looks so distraught ten is genuinely worried. 

“these days, i’m so fucking happy with him. like i could forget about jaehyun,” taeyong winces, saying that name felt weird after the ‘ _how did you and jaehyun met?’_ incident with johnny. 

“like, i know he’s happy too. with me. sometimes i get sad for no fucking reason and he would still, you know, he’d still kiss me and god, i don’t fucking deserve him. i’m scared he won’t wait for me, ten. wait for me to heal. he’s– he’s so brilliant, he shouldn’t.. shouldn’t wait for anyone. for me.” taeyong’s mouth finally comes to a stop. he mumbles a soft and desperate _fuck,_ like he just said something he shouldn’t. he feels bad for ten, he knows he’s just looking out for him. 

so he tries to give him a small smile for assurance and says, _“i just don’t want to go through that again, okay? with or without him, i’ll try my best to be okay.”_

* * *

it’s been days since he last met taeyong. johnny has been busy with school work and his projects. it’s inevitable, he’s on his final and hopefully, last year anyway so this is expected. a proper sleep is a luxury these days for johnny, constantly pumped up with caffeine during the day and working on sets or his studio at night.

taeyong was asleep when johnny called him unannounced earlier that night. “is it okay if i come over?” johnny had asked. johnny could practically hear the noise of his expensive sheet rustling, almost said _no, nevermind. i’m sorry, go back to sleep,_ but he loses out to taeyong’s “of course, baby, i’ll be waiting. get here safe, it’s cold,” and he ended the call just like that.

by now, johnny has the access card to taeyong’s private elevator. hell, the concierge no longer gives him a weird look when they _know_ he’s here for taeyong. knows the passcode to his front door by heart. johnny also has several clothes that he left there, inside the empty part of taeyong’s closet so that he could go to campus directly from taeyong’s place. taeyong bought him a lot of pajamas too, something that johnny could use when he sleeps at taeyong’s place. although most of the time, johnny sleeps naked there.

when he arrived, the tv was on. johnny could hear taeyong ugly-snickering over a sitcom rerun. johnny approached the tv room slowly, trying to hide his giddiness from finally seeing taeyong after not meeting him for almost a week. 

“hey,” taeyong greeted him as soon as johnny is on his sight. he looks soft, wearing that damn dark blue silk pajamas and glasses. hair down, long bangs loosely framing his face.

he turned off the tv, walked over to johnny so that they’re face to face. he took johnny’s coat off for him, throwing it to a nearby armchair. johnny thinks that this is the first time ever in his life that someone would be so genuinely happy just from seeing him. taeyong combed his hair back and tucked it behind his ears, to take a good look at the face of someone so sleep deprived and fatigued. _god, i probably look like shit,_ johnny realized. his hair is too long too and it’s been bothering johnny these days, wanted to cut it short so bad. but taeyong seems to like it, _i like this hair on you. you look like someone out of a coming of age movie. the one that would play the first love of the main character,_ he said.

sometimes you won't know how much you'll miss something until it gets taken away from you. in this case, it's taeyong's kisses. taeyong tiptoed and kissed his lips then, chastely. johnny tried, he really did try, to keep it innocent. but it’s been so long since they last kissed and touched each other, he’s a fool that could not conceal his hunger. johnny nipped taeyong’s bottom lip softly and taeyong gasps and god, johnny can’t get over how pretty taeyong’s voice is. or actually, how pretty taeyong is in general. taeyong gasped and johnny deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue because yeah, he really couldn’t hold back. taeyong playfully sucks on it and giggles like he did something dirty on christmas day.

he stopped taeyong from pushing him against a wall and johnny eventually breaks the kiss. “can i use your shower? i feel so disgusting, please don’t touch me. i’ve been wearing the same shirt for days. i haven’t showered too,” johnny grumbles. taeyong gasps, acting like he’s surprised, before sniffing johnny’s neck while chuckling and says “yeah, you kinda stink but i’m so happy that you’re here, baby.”

johnny took the quickest shower of his life, afraid that taeyong would fall asleep while waiting for him. when he finished, taeyong is still there on his bed, awake. _a little life_ _by hanya yanagihara._ he’s been reading that since last week, and he’s reading it now to kill time. he closed the book and took off his glasses the moment he saw johnny get out of the bathroom and walk to the bed. a smile so soft that johnny knows what’s being unsaid between both of them – _come on johnny, come to bed._

johnny wrestled taeyong into the bed a little after that, bombarded his face with pecks and tickled him at the same time. taeyong shrieked and giggled, while johnny is doing a shit job at acting like a kissy monster. they’re acting like fools but that’s okay, because the way taeyong is smiling at him right now is so fucking priceless to johnny and he wouldn’t trade it with anything in this world. 

taeyong pulled johnny down, starting to show his impatience and johnny relents, giving both of them the kisses they have to make up for after days of not meeting each other. because both of them are helpless once they’re back in each other’s arms. johnny angled taeyong’s jaw so that he can kiss him better while taeyong finally circled johnny’s hips with his legs – bringing him down until both of them completely flush against each other. 

their teeth knocked a little and johnny lets a playful _oww! and that_ earns him a smack on his arm from taeyong. johnny dives for another kiss only to break it minutes later to say, “i don’t think i can do much today,” johnny sighs, clearly disappointed in himself. “i’m so tired. sorry, taeyong.” he explains. johnny's been sleeping 3 hours per day, doing a lot of tests, constantly brainstorming with his team for inspirations, reviewing proposals, helping the set designer, _everything._

“it’s okay,” taeyong murmurs softly. from johnny’s perspective, taeyong looks _almost_ innocent, eyes so sparkly and a smile so endearing. almost, because right after that thought, taeyong whispered to johnny’s ears, _“you’re not too tired for a blowjob right?”_

johnny groans and lets taeyong flip him over so taeyong’s on top now. taeyong struggled a little because well, johnny’s so much bigger than him and taeyong hates going to the gym. “you flip me like i’m a fucking pancake or something,” johnny says. 

“don’t say that when i'm about to suck you off, johnny. that’s so unsexy,” taeyong says playfully as he slides lower until he’s facing johnny’s arousal and pulls johnny’s pants and underwear off of his long legs. honestly, johnny’s a little bit touch-deprived right now, so this will probably be the shortest blowjob of his life.

taeyong drags his lips against johnny’s cock, leaving slow, wet kisses from the base to the tip, while maintaining eye contact with johnny. johnny groans and closes his eyes, because _fuck,_ the combination of receiving a blowjob after days of no stimulation and watching the visually enticing sight of taeyong sucking his dick like this will surely make him come in three seconds flat. 

taeyong starts taking him into his mouth then, making sure to be careful of his teeth. tries his best so that he can fit everything inside, taeyong has just started but his spit is starting to get to his chin already. johnny instinctively wipes it off. taeyong gagged a little and pulled off with a wet pop to really lick the underside of johnny's cock and his leaking slit, before stopping and asking johnny, “why won’t you look at me?” voice demanding. johnny has no choice but to give taeyong his undivided attention now, as taeyong suckles at the tip again while closing his eyes like he's enjoying this as much as johnny – now _this,_ is something out of johnny’s wet dream. taeyong hums when he finally, _finally,_ take sjohnny’s cock completely into his mouth again. he bobs his head up and down, coaxing his throat to relax around johnny. 

“taeyong, you really don’t have to _,”_ johnny tries, but taeyong whined – frustrated that johnny’s being so damn gentle with him. johnny relents, and fucks his throat a little before softly tugging taeyong's hair so that he pulls off of him. johnny’s cock is so shiny with his spit now and it’s so easy for taeyong to jerk him off, flicking his wrists the way johnny likes it. johnny moaned, like he couldn’t help it – like this is the best thing taeyong had ever done to him, maybe because it is. 

taeyong slurps him down again, moving his head like he’s now determined to give johnny the release he deserves. johnny’s so fucking close and fucks taeyong’s mouth for real now, planting his feet on the bed and holding taeyong’s head in place while moving his hips until taeyong gags again and god, that sounds so fucking obscene. 

like what johnny predicted, he did not get to last long. he comes with a groan in taeyong’s awaiting mouth, body spent and the fatigue settles bone deep now. he rubs his eyes, his mouth, and his cheeks with the palm of his own hand, a gesture that is probably so familiar to taeyong now because that’s what johnny does whenever taeyong played with his body like this. 

taeyong finally pulls off, resting his forehead against johnny’s hipbone while he jerks himself off, giving himself relief. he whines and mouths against johnny’s skin, breathless moans fills the room once more. johnny just watches and strokes his hair as taeyong comes all over his own hand. 

* * *

today, johnny is being the little spoon to taeyong’s big spoon. it’s a nice change because he gets to be the one held and kissed this time. _shit, he really is a fucking lapdog,_ he thinks. taeyong’s skin feels like an extra layer of warm blanket on his back. 

he’s happy that during one of the most tiring phases of his life, he has someone like taeyong to rely on. it feels nice to have someone to come home to. someone that would talk to him, laugh at his jokes. or when he’s too tired to be funny, someone that would hold him close and give him soft kisses. suck him off too, maybe, like what taeyong did moments ago. 

he feels so bad for taeyong though, because these days, he doesn’t have much time to come over to taeyong’s place. not as much as before. taeyong has been texting him incessantly, something johnny had come to realize that it is one of taeyong’s cute habits whenever he misses him. 

“i missed you. you work too hard, johnny,” taeyong whispers against the short hair on his nape, his cold toes tickling johnny’s calves. this is the first time johnny hears taeyong admit his feelings out loud. “take it easy, you’ll get there, _i promise.”_ he rests his forehead against johnny’s scapula. 

“i can’t,” johnny mumbles against the pillow. taeyong’s hold on him tightens. “i’m scared of wasting my time when there’s so much work to do,” he adds. 

taeyong is silent, for a moment johnny thought that maybe he fell asleep. after a long pause, he whispers against his skin, “is meeting me a waste of time?” voice small, like an unsure child. _insecure._

“no, of course not. baby, you know that’s not what i mean, okay?” johnny faces him, pulls him closer and higher so that they’re now eye to eye. “i missed you too. you know i’m the happiest when i’m here with you,” he says before kissing taeyong’s forehead.

taeyong fell silent after that. he closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep, simply because he doesn’t know what to do after johnny said that.

_i missed you too. you know i’m the happiest when i’m here with you._

he tries his best to hold his tears, he doesn’t even know why it’s there in the first place. tries so fucking hard to hold his sobs too. it's been a while since he had to hold his weeps.

 _you being needy is an overkill, okay?_ a long time ex had once said and a lot of men had left him because of the same reason.

he doesn’t want to be pitied by johnny, doesn’t want johnny to think that he’s sad when he’s away because johnny has a lot on his plate right now. 

he doesn’t want to hinder johnny’s progress because johnny’s working so hard to be an artist. so close to achieving his purpose. a dream that brought them together. 

he’s not religious. it’s been so long since the last time he prayed for himself, let alone prayed for someone else. but he's starting to pray to whatever god that may listen to his pleas every night, ever since he realized how happy johnny made him.

_please god. please don’t make the same dream that brought him to me, become the same reason we separate. please._

johnny’s asleep not long after that. his breath slows down like he couldn’t fight against the sleepiness and fatigue anymore. johnny told him that he’s been sleeping in the studio he rented specifically for his project for days. _poor baby._

 _so please, taeyong, don’t be a liability to him._ his inner voice scolds him.

taeyong _almost_ asked him to move in with him right there and then, when johnny called him to say sorry for not coming over. taeyong wanted johnny to just come fucking live with him, so that he could sleep here with taeyong everyday. so that taeyong doesn’t have to beg for johnny to come over anymore. so that taeyong doesn’t have to shiver all night when johnny isn’t there to hold him. so that johnny’s back doesn’t hurt from sleeping on the goddamn thin mattress at his small, film studio. so that taeyong can award him with kisses after working so hard. 

but he stopped himself before he blurts it out, scared that johnny doesn’t want that. scared that johnny would think he’s such a needy pushover.

because at thirty, taeyong still can’t handle rejection well.

when he’s sure that johnny’s fast asleep, taeyong recites to himself, hoping it would reach johnny somewhere in his dreamland:

 _don’t say things you don’t mean._ _don’t be cruel._

_because long ago, he said that to me too,_

_and still he left me._

_he's probably happier now, while i'm still here learning how to cope._

_but tonight, i’m glad that he left me and taught me grief and loneliness,_

_because then, god brought you to me,_

_and for you, maybe i'll even fight myself so that i can be finally free._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone! i’m so thankful for the kind words you’ve given me. i’ll be really busy next week, so i figured it’d be better to update the second chapter now. and i’m very sorry for the sad cockwarming scene lol. i’d like to be friends with all of you so let’s talk on [twitter](https://twitter.com/erosaquarius) :)


	3. Chapter 3

there’s something about sex with johnny that feels so filthy and carnal, although taeyong can’t really figure out what makes it so fucking different to sex with other men. at the moment, taeyong lies on the bed, white soft sheets that smell like lavender sticking to his body due to his perspiration – air conditioning on full force but taeyong feels like he’s surrounded by sweltering heat. johnny could just touch his skin for hours and he’d be panting,  _ begging,  _ throwing his pride out of the window when it comes to pleading for johnny to indulge his lust, to provide him with the pleasure he needs now that he’s tasted it. his skin feels like it’s burning, cock aching so bad that if johnny deprives him any longer taeyong will surely cry. well, he’s close to tears already anyway.

by now, taeyong is probably ruined for anyone else, because johnny made it look so easy to find what drives taeyong crazy. can get taeyong off and satisfies him with just a simple touch and a sultry whisper on his ear, like he’s got a full control over taeyong’s body.

they’ve never done it this slow before, it’s probably  _ hours  _ since they enter the presidential suite of a hotel overlooking seoul’s city lights. it felt like it was forever ago since johnny first kiss him, stripped him bare, and walked them over to the big bed. johnny prefers taeyong’s penthouse better, still so much more lavish and decorated with so many art pieces he had collected from all over the world. pieces from eames, breuer. it’s a nice change of scenery though, makes him feel giddy because as soon as taeyong landed from berlin for a business trip, he took johnny to hyatt for a private dinner and well,  _ reunion sex.  _

on the way to dinner, he kissed johnny so hard on the backseat of his new car, the smell of leather and taeyong’s cologne thick in the air. they kissed and johnny could hear the way the driver’s breath hitch because they were at it for so long he’s probably afraid they’d ask him to drive them back home cause it was too late then.

“you look so fucking good tonight,” taeyong said breathlessly, so turned on just from the sight of johnny with his hair done, golden brown hair with a bit of stray hairs on his forehead like the first night they met, dressed in a black coat and a black suit set from givenchy, specifically ordered by taeyong. he even watched johnny got measured for it so that the suit fits johnny like second skin. johnny locked his gaze with taeyong through the mirror in front of them, while the shopkeeper measured johnny’s legs. they hurriedly went home after, and you know what happens next.

before taeyong left for berlin, taeyong sucked johnny’s cock, both of them on the floor of his walk in closet. he asked johnny to tie up his wrists and blindfold him, fucked him so hard from behind. taeyong’s wrists were red from johnny’s leather belt for days. a nice memento. 

you see, they’re now slowly diverting into a more dangerous territory. johnny’s so much more confident during sex now that he knows taeyong’s body limits. now that he knows taeyong likes it a bit rough.

so that’s why taeyong’s lying on his back, writhing. bare naked while johnny’s still fully clothed, only managed to shrug his coat off. taeyong feels slutty like this, although johnny always told him that he look like the perfect picture of innocence when he’s naked and begging for it. innocent and pure, except for the dark red splotches starting all over his body from his chest to his calves, consequence from johnny’s self indulgent deed. taeyong eyes the way johnny  _ finally  _ moves after just sitting on the bed, watching and touching taeyong, feeling the soft of his bare smooth skin. he lifts taeyong’s ankle to the air so that taeyong shifts a little, spreads his legs a bit wider. johnny seems to be satisfied with the position, and leaves open mouthed kisses to taeyong’s bony ankle. 

johnny has the patience of a fucking saint, because right now he’s still kissing his way towards taeyong’s thighs – after he’s kissed it countless times tonight alone. taeyong can’t help but call out johnny’s name, voice whiny, begging johnny just to touch his cock because he’s been teased for so long already. 

_ please, please, johnny. i can’t take it anymore.  _

johnny got up from the bed and taeyong sobbed one last time, burying his head to the pillow because he’s ashamed of how  _ needy _ he is tonight. he could hear johnny finally undressing his own clothes from the sounds of fabric falling to the floor. 

johnny rearranges taeyong so that he no longer slumped against a pillow, johnny hovered above him with his hands bracketing taeyong’s head. his right hand strokes taeyong’s damp hair while angling his head so that they’re seeing eye to eye. johnny’s looking at him so intensely with an exploitative gleam in his eyes. taeyong can’t bear looking at him like this, not when taeyong’s eyes, nose, cheeks, and lips are so ruddy from crying and desire. he looked away, opts to focus on the lavender tattooed to johnny’s clavicle instead. 

“look at me,” johnny finally breaks the silence between them. “don’t  _ whine.  _ tell me what you want,” he says while wiping taeyong’s tear tracks on his cheeks down to his lips where his thumb settles on his plush bottom lip.

taeyong has always been shy when he’s under johnny’s scrutiny like this, so he turns away – holds johnny’s wrist and kisses it so wantonly so that johnny can understand the message he’s trying to convey without actually saying it.  _ fuck me, i miss the feeling of you inside me.  _

johnny’s feeling a bit stubborn today, so grips taeyong jaw and forces him to  _ really  _ look at him once again. johnny lowers himself, now supporting his weight with his other elbow. “what the fuck do you want taeyong?” he asks once again, harshly. taeyong’s used to it now, their dynamics in bed rapidly develop into something else in no time, it feels like a whiplash to taeyong. maybe johnny’s not as patient as taeyong thought to be, because he’s now gripping taeyong’s hair so hard, giving harsh lovebites to the side of his neck. 

“baby please, _ please,  _ i want you inside me,” taeyong finally breaks, swallowing his honour.

johnny turns taeyong over so he’s flat on his stomach. johnny doesn’t have to position taeyong’s body to his liking right now, because taeyong immediately settles for a position that he  _ knows  _ johnny likes since day one – knees spread, ass high, head on the pillow. he  _ waits,  _ legs shaky and strained with no johnny to support him. johnny then took both of taeyong’s hands and held his wrists against his back. a reminiscent of the way johnny tied him up last week. taeyong knows that johnny considers it for a moment with the way he paused.

johnny covers taeyong’s back with his own body, his palms stroking the curve of his waist, lips leaving wet kisses down his back until he reaches taeyong’s asscheeks. “eat me out, please.” taeyong begs. johnny obliges for the first time tonight.

he gathers his spit and licks taeyong’s pink rim, properly wetting it so that it relaxes and opens to his tongue. taeyong moans, helpless. johnny grabbed taeyong’s asscheeks and spreads it wider, so that his hole gaped a little and he could dip his tongue inside, licking the velvet soft walls inside. all taeyong could manage was a  _ nnngh, fuck!  _ and that spurs johnny even more, trying to reach even deeper inside. one of his hands traveled to taeyong’s front and stroked his cock - so wet from pre-cum. taeyong’s openly mewls now, music to johnny’s ears, constantly repeating  _ johnny, johnny, johnny  _ like a prayer.

after months of fucking him, johnny now knows the telltale sign of taeyong’s imminent orgasm – his body goes tight and sometimes it quivers when he just couldn’t control it; like tonight. thighs clamping together, moans desperate and loud, uncaring – but johnny’s a little cruel tonight. he grips the base of taeyong’s cock to stop him from coming although he does feel a bit sorry. johnny likes the sound of taeyong’s confused, disappointed groan, how his legs kick the bed trying to move away from johnny. 

“ _ fuck,  _ don’t be mean, baby,” taeyong whines. johnny chuckles against the cleft of his ass then he gets up to retrieve the lube from taeyong’s pocket. 

taeyong honestly doesn’t know when did johnny become so twisted like this. their sex started so slow and sweet and now johnny treats taeyong like he  _ owns  _ him.

the truth is – johnny has always been obsessed with taeyong’s lithe body but it recently developed into something so corrupted that sometimes he wants to  _ brand  _ him. when you’re seeing someone with a face and a body of a nymph like taeyong it’s only logical for johnny if he wants to own him. 

johnny took pity on taeyong, wets his hole with the lube and puts his forefinger inside him. he’s already so loose from his tongue, but he still fingerfucks him for good measure. taeyong’s so silent now, too boneless from his denied orgasm. johnny focuses on stretching him instead, tries his best to avoid taeyong’s prostate. he opts for adding another finger instead, stretching him because right now, he’s so tight and warm and johnny can’t wait to get inside him after such a long time. 

“fuck! right there, please, johnny! right there,” taeyong shouts as soon as johnny circles the sensitive, swollen bump slowly. johnny knows if he presses onto it directly taeyong would come immediately, and he won’t want that, right? 

“please, johnny, make me come,” taeyong says as he moves his hips, trying to ride johnny’s fingers. johnny added a third one to stretch him properly, still not giving him what taeyong wants. 

“no, not now,” he insists, and taeyong whines with frustration. 

he adds more lube to his fingers then, inserting them altogether now that taeyong’s so wet and loose. he stills taeyong’s hips and tries his best to pin down taeyong’s legs with his knees before he  _ presses  _ into that one spot that would drive taeyong crazy – not even thrusting his fingers in-out anymore, choosing to just vibrate the tips of his fingers against his prostate.

this isn’t taeyong’s first time to be edged like this, johnny has done this so many times in the past. not his first time making taeyong cry during sex too. but  _ this,  _ this is the first time that taeyong downright wail and shout, body moving uncontrollably and shaking. he was about to say  _ stop, stop, johnny, i can’t take it,  _ but johnny stops even before taeyong has to voice it, knowing his limits so well. taeyong pants and curses, body falls limp against the bed.

“you’re okay?” johnny asks, genuinely worried. taeyong can only manage a meek hum as a yes. “ride me then,” johnny says, a demand rather than a request, as he pulls out his fingers out of taeyong.

johnny settles on his back comfortably while taeyong mounts him shakily, holding to johnny’s knees behind him to steady himself. johnny’s hands are on his small waist, his hips, his thighs, goosebumps rising on his skin. johnny takes the lube then wets his own cock, before angling it so that the head slips into him. both of them groaned. taeyong lowers himself slowly, he exhales the moment johnny’s completely inside him. 

taeyong settles for grinding his hips first, to feel the sensation of johnny’s length inside him, how the head of his cock grazes against that one spot that could grant taeyong’s release. it probably feel so fucking good to johnny too because right now he’s muttering dirty shit like  _ god, you’re taking me so well. like you’re made to be fucked by my cock. _

he grabs johnny’s thighs for balance and starts riding him, working his hips, making sure it’s slow on the pull out and slams his hips back down when johnny pushes in.

with his body propped back like this, he wonders how  _ erotic  _ and dirty he must look right now to johnny; abdomen pulled taut and his own cock slaps against his and johnny’s stomach. johnny could probably see his skin tinged red (always so red after he showers or during sex) from his cheeks to his chest, the lovebites johnny left on him all over his body, his  _ expression;  _ because right now, he can barely open his eyes, mouth open to moan filth to the air and lips shiny from spit. taeyong knows he must look like lust incarnate right now, because johnny can’t take his eyes off of taeyong.

in this position, johnny’s cock is so deep that it slides right against his prostate, pleasure so intense that he can only gasp whenever it happens. johnny starts moving too, planting his feet to the bed and angles his hips so that he’s constantly hitting taeyong’s prostate and  _ god he’s so close, so fucking close to coming, just a bit more and he’ll– _

johnny tries to stave off taeyong’s orgasm once again by making a makeshift cockring with his fingers but he just couldn’t be fast enough. because just seconds later, taeyong shouts so loud, cock spurting just a few drops of cum because he’s trying  _ so hard  _ to stop himself from coming to the point that he’s trembling all over, afraid that he’ll make johnny mad. his dick twitches pitifully, and it aches. 

he embraces johnny after that, whispers  _ i’m sorry, i’m sorry _ onto his neck. johnny just kisses him and slowly moves his hips, thrusting into taeyong while jerking his cock in time with his thrusts. “it’s okay, baby, just –  _ come,”  _ and right after that, his thrusts became so unforgiving, bouncing taeyong’s body from the effort. almost instantly, he comes all over johnny’s hands and their chests, muffling his moans against johnny’s lips. 

they kiss for a long time after that, and johnny’s still rock hard inside him.

“should i stop?” johnny asks after a long pause. 

“no, please, i can take it,” taeyong pleads. taeyong tries to ride johnny some more, but johnny stopped him with his hands on his hips – knowing taeyong cannot ride him after coming so hard like that. taeyong sighs and thinks that he should really hit the gym sooner or later.

johnny opts to bring taeyong down flush to his chest instead, taeyong grimaces at how wet their torsos are from sweat and taeyong’s come. johnny doesn’t seem to mind and kisses taeyong instead, tongue intertwined not shortly after. his hips grinded upwards and taeyong can’t help but moan, because  _ god, i think i really am insatiable,  _ he thinks.

“you’re so fucking pretty,” johnny tells him, his thrusts eventually turn so much faster and harder too. taeyong holds johnny closer, body bouncing from johnny’s thrusts. he’s close. 

“god, all i think about was you when you were gone,” he confesses. taeyong tries so hard to open his eyes to look at johnny’s face, but johnny’s fucking him so hard it’s physically impossible to steady himself. he closes his eyes instead, both of them moaning openly like they’re so lost in pleasure. taeyong could feel how sticky his ass and johnny’s pelvis is, their stomachs, the sounds of skin sticking and slapping over and over again and taeyong is so turned on from how vulgar it sounds.

he hopes johnny will never leave him or else he’s gonna have a hard time finding someone that will fuck him  _ this  _ good.

johnny’s controlled thrusts turn erratic not long after and he lets out groans that sounded like he’s in pain instead and that’s when taeyong decided to whisper filths to johnny’s neck, saying,  _ god, i love your cock, you fuck me so good, cum in me baby please, please, ah–  _

and just like that, johnny empties inside him – pushing his cock as deep as he could and taeyong gasps at the sensation. these days, they don’t even bother with condoms anymore because it’s not like they fuck other people anyway. taeyong keeps moving his hips in slow circles, milking johnny’s orgasm out of him. the squelching sound of johnny’s cock inside him sound so loud when the room is quiet if not for johnny’s heavy breathing. it made taeyong cock twitch sadly.

“you’re  _ crazy,”  _ johnny pants, head still thrown backwards against the pillow. taeyong could see how wet his face and his hair is from perspiration. like this, taeyong could see how his cat-like cupid bow glows. “don’t ever say that again, taeyong, you can’t do that to me.”

taeyong moves away after that, johnny’s now softening cock falls flat against his own stomach with a dirty  _ splat.  _ they need a shower, there’s no way they’re going to sleep  _ this  _ filthy. 

“why not? that’s the truth.” taeyong says as he throws himself to the back next to johnny, the white duvet’s cool against his heated body. “and you seem to like it when i tell you i love your cock, especially when you come right after–” 

“god, shut the fuck up.” johnny says lightheartedly as he turns his body over and tries to bury a squealing taeyong to his armpit so that he shuts up. taeyong does miss this – after a week with no johnny fucking him to his heart’s content. but this – johnny holding him flush against his chest, stroking his wet hair – feels like heaven to taeyong. 

* * *

taeyong slowly roused from sleep. it’s still dark out, the door to the balcony is open – winter must be close, because taeyong shivers from the cold. the sheer curtain moves in slow motion from the wind. taeyong struggles to differentiate this to dream, is this reality? because the room is bathed with blue from the billboard in front of their suite and there's a funny feeling inside taeyong’s chest, like he’s neither sad nor happy.

it took a while until he realizes johnny isn’t there with him, holding him. 

johnny’s outside, facing the same blue billboard that paints the whole room blue, smoking. the same cold, impending winter wind sweeps his hair out of his face.  _ since when johnny smoke? _

he looks  _ almost  _ lonely. taeyong’s heart clenches at the sight. a stark contrast to the johnny who fucked him, washed his hair, held him until he slept hours ago. after months of knowing johnny intimately, taeyong can somehow grasp the idea of johnny as a person – johnny who wears his heart on his sleeves, who would do anything to people closest to him. johnny who would do everything he could for his love for film and arts. johnny who would put his own needs second even if it made him lonely. 

“johnny?” taeyong calls out to him, voice small. “come back to bed. it’s cold.”

taeyong can vaguely make out the small smile johnny throws at him when he turns to face taeyong from the balcony. taeyong tries so hard to stay awake, eyes so heavy that he gives all his strength to keep it open – watches johnny slide the balcony door close and walk towards the bed. 

when johnny gets under the white duvet, taeyong is the one who pulls him close. johnny’s body is so cold that taeyong can’t help but squeak. johnny chuckles and pulls him closer too, using taeyong’s body heat to warm himself. heat equilibrium.

_ maybe he has always been lonely,  _ taeyong thinks.  _ maybe he has always been, and i’m too selfish to realize it before. _

“can’t sleep?” taeyong asks while he strokes johnny’s arm, traces the shape of his rose tattoo.

“yeah. big shoot tomorrow.” johnny simply answers.

taeyong goes quiet for a moment. he traces his shoulder blades, his nape, his scapula, his spine, so touch starved like he’s scared he won’t ever have this moment again. afraid that johnny’s actually  _ lonely.  _ he inhales – notes the smell of roses, sandalwood, and ash. then he speaks: “sleep baby, you need it.”

he could feel how johnny kisses his hair and inhales his scent too in return. taeyong sighs one last time and closes his eyes, tries to think of something happy. it was silent for a moment. taeyong didn’t know how many minutes or  _ hours  _ had passed. he was already half asleep when he heard it.

“i missed you,” johnny says. “i miss you all the fucking time, taeyong.” he continues, voice so soft it was barely a whisper. so soft that taeyong thought it was a dream.

taeyong tries so hard to fight his slumber, to desperately tell johnny that  _ fuck, johnny. i miss you all the time too,  _ but it was too late then. when taeyong realizes that it wasn’t a dream at all – the blue glow of the suite, the sight of lonesome johnny smoking, the words  _ i miss you all the fucking time, taeyong –  _ it’s already light out. 

* * *

he woke up facing the balcony and johnny facing the other way. it’s cloudy today, and the suite looks so grey and sad that taeyong can’t wait to be home. 

taeyong remembers everything – the way johnny closed the door to the balcony, the way his skin was so cold when he finally held taeyong again.  _ was he lucid dreaming? no, it can’t be.  _ taeyong left for berlin for just a week but why does it feel like johnny’s trying to learn how to live without him?

taeyong’s train of thoughts stopped when he heard the sound of the sheets rustling. johnny’s awake. when he notices that taeyong is awake too, he tells and kisses him good morning, like usual. holds taeyong for a little while too and taeyong relished the feeling of waking up to johnny again after a week of waking up alone and lonely in a foreign country. but then johnny kisses his shoulder one last time before leaving the bed. taeyong whines, tries to chase his body so that he won’t leave.

“sorry. big shoot today,. i’m gonna have to go earlier today, if you don’t mind.” johnny explains as he collects the clothes he wore last night, strewn all over the bedroom floor from taeyong’s haste. he turned his head towards the bed because taeyong didn’t answer for a while. taeyong nods in understanding, tries to smile at him and tells him, “of course. good luck at work today. will i see you at home?”

“can’t promise you that but i’ll try,” johnny says. taeyong pouts and johnny chuckled. taeyong watches johnny dresses, watches him fasten the same belt he tied taeyong’s wrists with last week around his slacks, watches him try to tackle his own bedhead hair. johnny kisses him goodbye then walks away. 

taeyong watches him leave, too. the sound of johnny’s expensive oxford shoes clacking against the pristine marble floor and the slam of the front door closing replays over and over again inside his head. 

taeyong wonders how johnny felt whenever taeyong had to leave him first like this. johnny’s probably lonely too. taeyong  _ knows  _ that johnny’s probably starting to be frustrated from taeyong’s indifference to the obvious weird energy between them – how it stopped being casual and taeyong seems to ignore the elephant in the room. how taeyong seems to dodge every bullet as best as he could to avoid johnny’s confrontation. how taeyong refuses to be vulnerable to him. how taeyong dismisses  _ his own feelings. _

but then again, people eventually get tired of taeyong too like how all of his lovers left him behind.

taeyong tries his best to accept the truth – how this arrangement with johnny could end anytime soon.

* * *

taeyong works in an industry that even if he moves to new york, he’d survive. because moving to new york as an experienced art dealer is like a fish jumping from a fishbowl to a big aquarium.

he almost said yes. who wouldn’t, when jung jaehyun was practically crying on his shoulder, begging him to pack his clothes and move to new york together with him?

_ a life together, me and you,  _ he had told him.  _ an apartment together in manhattan, it wouldn’t be this big but… but you have me, baby,  _ jaehyun said as he held taeyong’s small, unsure face with his palms. both of their eyes red and wet from tears.

to jaehyun, leaving seoul for new york is like – liberation. something he waited for forever. and when the opportunity finally came, he didn’t hesitate to tell his agent yes. he probably thought taeyong would say yes to moving to new york with him too, because since the day he met taeyong, all he did was try his best to make jaehyun happy. he gave jaehyun the world, moving to manhattan was probably nothing to taeyong. that’s why he said yes to his agent immediately.

but taeyong said no, and it ended with jaehyun sobbing on taeyong’s shoulders – wetting his expensive suit jacket. taeyong comforted him, even though he’s probably the one that needs it the most.

to someone young naive like jaehyun, new york is an escape. a fairytale. to someone with dreams like him, all those glitz like manhattan and new york fashion week are redemption. when you’re young, all you think about is the illusion of freedom. because that’s what matters when you’re young: reverie. escapism. that’s what gets you going.

but to someone like taeyong, who’s past his twenties, who already has nothing but money, who just wishes to just  _ settle down – _ he knows new york is the end. his downfall. because he had expected this; expected jaehyun to eventually leave him to chase his dreams. jaehyun will live in an apartment in manhattan, not so big but enough to impress his new friends, be swept up with endless shoots and fashion shows, meet new people, fall in love with models his age... probably. 

there’s no place for someone like taeyong in jaehyun’s life once he’s in new york. he’s probably just gonna hold him back from enjoying his youth. with taeyong, jaehyun won’t get to experience falling in love, falling out of love, failing – because taeyong would  _ never  _ let him fail, the sick parties of new york. you know, all the dumb shit young people do.

taeyong knows that he will be lonely, needy, and demanding too. would get jealous over jaehyun’s beautiful young friends. taeyong knew jaehyun would come to hate him, would tell him that he’s his achilles heel, would tell him that he’d be better off in seoul instead. would tell him that they’d better off without each other. because this is what usually happens. it happened before, it’d probably happen again with jaehyun. taeyong feels like he’s too old to take a chance. 

because what’s the point of new york, a cold city that grants your dreams, without someone you can come home to?

taeyong can already imagine how alone he would have felt if things went south with jaehyun once they’re in new york. no ten to save him, all he has is himself. and when he’s lonely, that’s where instant gratification comes in; taeyong don’t wanna resort to drugs and parties ever again.

so taeyong lets him go. helped him pack his bags. dismissed his chauffeur and drove jaehyun himself to the airport. puts a strong façade in front of him. jaehyun kissed him chastely one last time as a goodbye gift and boarded that 14 hours flight to new york. taeyong even upgraded his seat to first class so that jaehyun could sleep comfortably.

taeyong cried when he drove back home, couldn’t bear to imagine a life in a half empty house. he cried so hard he had to pull over because he was shaking so bad he was afraid he’d crash the car and sobbed to the steering wheel. because he knew there used to be two toothbrushes there, his walk-in closet used to be a mess from jaehyun’s clothes, two coffee mugs beside the coffee machine. a bed that if he sniffs deep enough would smell like a bitter peach.

_ memories of a life together, me and you.  _

* * *

johnny got so busy right after that night in hyatt.

johnny immerses himself with the project with the young director, oh sehun. a project so personal that he starts to obsess over it’s perfection. 

_ what do you have in mind,  _ sehun asked the first time they met.  _ i want to capture beauty in it’s most vulnerable form,  _ johnny answered. he couldn’t help but think of how taeyong looked the first time they slept together, that night in the tub with his skin painted pink, purple and blue.  _ a corrupt beauty. redemption of a fallen angel,  _ johnny continued. 

_ i think i wanna create something about love and obsession, too,  _ he admitted and looked at oh sehun straight in the eyes. sehun looked at him weirdly at first, like he’s mad – but then he sighed.  _ sure, let’s discuss that later,  _ sehun answered after a long pause. 

sehun introduced him to a screenwriter not long after that. his name’s mark. a graduate from a film school abroad, ucla or something. johnny can’t help but wonder how rich mark’s parents are if they could afford to send mark to ucla. he’s a bit awkward at first, but johnny knows he’s fucking serious and good at his craft when they start talking about business. 

and so that’s how it started since then. johnny prepared his gears from his collection, giddy to finally use it again for something he truly loves. made a few calls to someone he knows from previous projects to lend him a hand. they’ve handpicked the actors and the crew members themselves, mostly friends or acquaintance. johnny and sehun visited shooting locations in small towns nearby too. at this point, johnny’s so fatigued from driving so far away everyday that he’s scared that it’ll be permanent. he’s exhausted.

it’s been a while since he saw taeyong too. they call every night, taeyong asks him how his day was and vice versa. johnny knows taeyong wants to ask him to come over and fuck him senseless, but he realizes how johnny’s always too tired to visit him these days. taeyong’s too kind and johnny can’t help but think of how disposable he is right now to him. he tries so hard to numb the small pain in his chest over the thought of taeyong in bed with someone else.

sex with taeyong is starting to feel... performative now that he wants something more from him. it’s not like their sex life has gone bad, it’s still so fucking good. but johnny longs to love him completely, to really make love to him. he tries so hard to not let it show in the way he fucks taeyong, but he can’t help it – can’t help the way he looks at taeyong with awe and amazement, can’t help but worship every inch of his skin, can’t help but  _ give, give, give.  _ but sometimes after that, johnny feels emptier than before.

these days, it’s either johnny leaving taeyong first when he’s still in bed. or taeyong leaving for work when johnny just got home from a grueling shoot. or taeyong texting him, _i miss you, come home and hold me._ and johnny telling taeyong _sorry i can’t be there tonight, i’ll make it up to u i promise._ or when johnny makes it, taeyong would pass out on the living room couch while he waits for johnny. no more pancakes or kimchi jjigae. no more hauling taeyong so that he sits on the kitchen counter and kissing him while they wait for their coffee. no more mundane things like, listening to his LPs while they dance in the living room or soaking in the tub watching that dumb tv in front of them. 

and when they’re finally together – johnny can tell that both of them are starting to be tired of this circumstances. johnny feels sorry for taeyong although he knows taeyong tries so hard to look like he’s okay in front of johnny.

_ come over.  _ tonight, taeyong demands him. a late friday night after he just finished a shoot in busan and johnny’s currently sitting on the front passenger seat as sehun drives them back to seoul. cold days of winter starting to take its toll as johnny’s body aching all over – like he’s about to catch a flu. 

_ i miss you,  _ taeyong tells him. it sounds like a plea rather than an admission. sehun eyes him suspiciously from the driver’s seat. johnny knows that  _ look, _ a look that screams  _ i didn’t know you have someone waiting for you at home.  _ johnny tries his best to ignore it.

here’s truth number one – johnny  _ wants  _ to be with taeyong.  _ yearns  _ to be with him, feeling his touch and listening to his soft voice. 

and here’s truth number two – johnny has been holding himself back. since taeyong left for that goddamn business trip, johnny has been doing a lot of thinking. johnny has accepted by now – that what he has with taeyong right now, is so much different with what taeyong had with jaehyun. how taeyong could replace him with someone better right this second if he wants. 

he shouldn’t ask for more.  _ stop begging. for everything. _ for taeyong’s attention, his affection and his tenderness. his laugh and how his eyes crinkle into a beautiful crescent when he smiles at johnny.

in all honesty, johnny’s scared shitless. and this is how he’ll protect himself. from falling too deep that it’ll be irreversible once this ends. johnny tries so hard to stop himself from giving taeyong his everything too, but johnny’s only human. one word from taeyong and he will relent. like right now. 

_yeah, i will,_ he finally said after a long pause. _i’ll be late, don’t wait for me._ _but i’ll be there for you, i promise._

* * *

when johnny opens the door to taeyong’s bedroom, taeyong is fast asleep – hugging his pillows with his face buried against it. 

this coming home to taeyong fast asleep thing has been going on for a while since johnny had to invest more time for his project. he looks at the time to see that it’s now 4 AM – not that late considering that sometimes he gets home only hours before taeyong has to wake up. the thing about this studio is that it’s way too far for taeyong’s liking and johnny knows that taeyong itches to just buy him a place nearby.  _ the point of having that studio is so that i can store my gear near my campus without breaking my back, taeyong,  _ johnny once explained. 

the first two weeks, taeyong would wait for him – trying to read his books with glasses perched low on his nose, eyes half open trying his best to not fall asleep. but now that johnny gets home even later, taeyong stopped waiting for him. he still holds johnny unconsciously in his sleep though.

johnny too, knows that taeyong will be gone tomorrow morning for his work. johnny will eventually have to accept the fact that this is how life is going to be for a while.

johnny inwardly pats himself in the back for managing to take a quick shower in the studio before coming here, because right now – he feels like if he doesn’t pull taeyong’s body close to him he’s probably gonna die from loneliness and sleep deprivation. 

he undresses hastily, first his jacket then his flimsy tee that probably has holes in it, then his jeans. he tries so hard to be quiet but the belt clang against the floor and johnny can already hear the rustles of the sheets. taeyong’s a light sleeper. 

“johnny?” taeyong calls for him. his voice is soft and raspy from sleep. johnny somehow realizes how he misses the way taeyong would say his name. “you’re  _ home _ ?” taeyong smiles and faces him now. 

_ home. _ johnny tries to push the word to the back of his mind, tries so hard to play it cool even though his heart breaks.  _ the things i would do to really come home to you, everyday. _

johnny gets under the cover as taeyong shuffles closer, ready to settle himself in johnny’s arms once again. once he’s there, he hums in contentment and kisses the base of johnny’s neck. “long day at work?” taeyong mumbles against it.

johnny hums, too tired to speak. he didn’t feel sleepy at all before but now he definitely is ready to sleep any second. the feel of taeyong’s skin, the scent of taeyong’s shampoo and his linen, the sound of his breathing – his senses register all of these and his body automatically knows he’s in his safe place.  _ survival mode off. safe enough to sleep. _

“hmm, okay, sleep then,” taeyong says. he turns over, back now against johnny. 

_ stay there. don’t turn your back on me.  _ johnny wants to say. but johnny’s a coward, too scared of crossing the line between them. 

johnny first thought that not meeting taeyong everyday is better for his heart. about this whole… wanting to be true to him, about his feelings and everything.  _ distance is good. distance is necessary.  _ he first thought. 

so why does his heart feel so bad if distance is good and necessary? because now that he’s tasted the feeling of having taeyong completely - albeit just glimpses - he’d rather have that than not having taeyong at all. he’d rather have those days where he could cook breakfast and dinner for taeyong, those days where he could read taeyong’s favorite hemingway book to sleep, those days where they soak together in the tub. 

now this is what johnny has: constantly missing each other, feeling lonely even in each other’s arms. johnny wants to hold taeyong so close and these days, the feeling of their skin touching each other is not enough for him.

johnny tries not to think about it and pulls taeyong closer instead. johnny can’t help the long sigh he lets out and taeyong seems to notice that because now he twists his body to face johnny and asks, “what's wrong, baby?”

johnny chuckles and rests his forehead to taeyong’s shoulder instead, hand on taeyong’s hip where he traces his scar on his lower abdomen. 

“nothing, it’s just…” johnny finds it hard to continue but he’s scared that this is his last chance to say it to taeyong. “it’s just, i’m sad and disappointed. at myself. for not being here with you as much as i used to be, you know?”

johnny feels his chin pulled upwards by taeyong’s lithe fingers, now facing him. like this, johnny feels like a child being comforted by taeyong. finding solace in his gaze and his worried face. johnny can’t help but chuckle at that. 

“and you know what’s making me even sadder? i’m sad that i can see that you’re lonely too, taeyong, and weren’t i supposed to be your companion?” johnny adds. “i’m sorry. i’ll be better, please don’t end things with me, okay?”

they’re both wide awake now. taeyong averts his gaze and chooses to look elsewhere while johnny looks into his face, waiting for an answer. johnny holds him closer, afraid that taeyong will run away again; repulsed by johnny’s honesty and vulnerability.

johnny was about to apologize again for rambling bullshit when taeyong finally sighs, holds johnny’s face with both of his palms and softly says, “just come live with me here, johnny.”

the words  _ just come live with me here, johnny  _ repeats like a broken record inside johnny’s mind and he’s rendered speechless. minutes after, he could only manage a weak “are you sure?”

taeyong chuckles and lets out a  _ yeah, johnny, let’s live together from now on,  _ and kisses him. johnny feels like he’s been set free. 

“i know you’re still gonna be busy but…” taeyong says against his lips. “i just want to make sure you have a proper place to come home to. and i don’t want us missing each other like this anymore… but of course, you can say no–” 

“why would i say no? of course i want to be here.” johnny ensures him.  _ i’d follow you even to the end of the world if i could. _

taeyong chuckles, his eyes crinkling and smile so real and unabashed, so different from his usual corporate smile. johnny can’t help but smile too. 

“okay, get your things tomorrow. goodnight, baby,” taeyong says before closing his eyes.

this is by far, one of the happiest moments in johnny’s life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! sorry for the late update i was so busy with work :( this chapter did not turn out like how i wanted and it's a bit shorter than usual, sorry! but yeah i just wanted to focus on their loneliness even when they're together & how one of them must overcome it. and of course, taeyong always notices it first hehe. so sorry i also did not expect this fic to be a slow burn one but pleaseeee bare with me okay :)
> 
> but hey let's be friends & talk on [twitter](https://twitter.com/erosaquarius)


	4. Chapter 4

johnny tries not to think too much about their relationship. sleeping and waking up holding taeyong’s small body against his, kissing taeyong good morning first thing after he opens his eyes in the morning, begging taeyong to stay longer in bed, johnny making breakfast for two – god knows when was the last time taeyong touch anything from his pristine kitchen other than a couple of spoons and forks – while taeyong prepares 2 cups of coffee, one black and one is a bit too sweet. 

sometimes taeyong waits for him to come home, sometimes it’s johnny’s turn to wait instead. but to be frank, this whole ordeal of moving in without really talking about their feelings first is disorienting for johnny. but then johnny catches taeyong humming to love songs and thinks, _at least he’s happy._

it’s not like johnny’s unhappy.

the thing about happiness is that sometimes it crept up on you and it gets taken away at once when you look away. all his life, johnny’s been conditioned to always be ready to pack his bags, leave, and be okay with it. to keep walking because for someone like him, who has nothing, life doesn’t wait for him. permanence and long term commitment, no matter how mundane, are foreign for johnny.

that’s why he tries not to bring everything to taeyong’s place. he leaves a bit of his decent clothes in his studio – just in case taeyong kicks him out as soon as he’s not interested anymore. taeyong notices, like always. instead of questioning him, taeyong simply notes, _oh you don’t have much stuff._

johnny still pays his rent for the flat he shares with yuta too. _just in case._

* * *

they can’t help but fall into a routine only lovers do after johnny moved in. _domesticity._

sometimes it’s taeyong coming home to johnny. he’d cook him dinner and taeyong probably gains a bit of weight from eating the homemade food johnny made, because johnny just won't stop feeding him. sometimes it’s johnny coming home to taeyong. taeyong doesn’t attempt to cook because there’s mrs. kim to cook for them when johnny’s gone. sometimes taeyong orders in too.

johnny would write his thesis in bed while taeyong dozes off against his chest. sometimes it’s johnny bothering him when taeyong's on the phone with clients.

some days, johnny shows taeyong the movies that meant so much to him. one night they watched jacquot de nantes together, taeyong cuddled up against johnny and johnny told taeyong that the child reminded him of himself. 

taeyong kissed him right after the movie ends. he ensured johnny and murmurs against his lips, _listen to me, johnny. one day, you’ll make a film so beautiful you’ll inspire little kids to become filmmakers like how agnes varda inspired you._

sometimes taeyong would tell him about his youth too. his days in london. when he stayed in berlin for a few months for an internship. taeyong would sometimes open up about jaehyun too, careful with his words. but johnny never presses further, respects taeyong for sharing this part of him with johnny.

they still soak in the bath. these days, they smoke together in their balcony too, johnny holding taeyong from behind so that he doesn’t get cold from the night air.

* * *

with both taeyong and johnny knowing yukhei, it’s only natural for johnny to know ten too. after all, ten is taeyong’s longest friend – a friend that witnesses everything from his graduation, when he first landed his job, when taeyong started to be known in their scene… when he snorted snow for the first time in one of their ridiculous parties when they were still in their 20s. a friend that has seen everything but ironically still trying to understand taeyong; because that’s how taeyong is. taeyong won't listen to whatever ten says anyway.

ten is also a friend that _knows_ exactly why and how jaehyun left. how taeyong copes after that – mindless sex with pretty strangers. days and days of drinking and chain smoking. ten noticed how taeyong smoked more blunts too after jaehyun left, but he didn’t say anything about it. 

after jaehyun left, taeyong is like a broken, beautiful porcelain that somehow still holds its shape. from miles away, it looks beautiful. ethereal. _strong._ once you get closer, you can make out the cracks all over its surface. broken beyond repair.

one wrong move and it will come crumbling down.

but now, ten notices how much healthier and happier taeyong looks, so he tells taeyong that. 

“i’m glad you found him,” ten says. 

taeyong sips on his drink and chuckles. “you make him sound like he’s a stray cat or something.”

“more like a big stray mutt with the way he looks at you like that.” ten mutters. “if he’s a dog he’s probably gonna wag his tail whenever you’re close, yong.” 

taeyong laughs again and tells him, “you’re not making sense, tennie. are you drunk?”

“stop acting like he doesn’t mean to you. i know he’s more than a…” ten stops himself to think about the right word because frankly, no one knows what johnny and taeyong are. both johnny and taeyong probably don’t know what this means either.

“more than.... yeah. whatever this is. a close friend. that lives together with you and kisses you when you get home or whatever. god, you two are worse than me and yukhei.”

* * *

now that johnny knows ten too, sometimes ten invites both of them over to his place. sometimes ten invites himself to taeyong’s place, because taeyong is territorial. but ten and yukhei are obviously an exception. 

like tonight, johnny realizes that he doesn’t understand why the rich pop champagnes on the daily. 

“champagne? what’s the occasion?” johnny asks as he watches ten pour champagne, a mischievous glint in his eyes. johnny can hear taeyong vaguely, probably smoking and chatting away with yukhei in the living area. 

ten chuckles and says, “oh darling, you better get used to this.”

during nights like these, all they do is talk and drink. ten and taeyong would reminisce about their so called youth. johnny would groan and stop them from acting like they’re fifty. yukhei would laugh and make fun of how ten nags like he really is fifty. 

ten and taeyong would pick their favorite records and johnny would load them carefully, lowers the arm of taeyong's turntable slowly because it's precious to taeyong. yukhei’s in charge of making sure their drinks are always full, which means he's in charge of making everyone drunk. sometimes they’d play bowie, sometimes it’s cher. but tonight, it’s prince night. taeyong and ten would dance, yukhei cheers from the armchair. johnny though, he could only stare at taeyong with awe. because taeyong is especially pretty when he laughs with no care like this.

usually the night ends with taeyong passing out on the couch because he’s a lightweight and a sleepy drunk. but tonight when ten and yukhei were singing their hearts out, taeyong clambers to johnny’s lap. 

johnny freezes, not knowing where to touch because they usually don’t show much affection in front of others. taeyong doesn’t seem to notice johnny’s hesitation and circles his arms around johnny’s neck then kisses him lazily. taeyong whines when johnny doesn’t kisses him back and tries to kiss him deeper. johnny eventually complies and lets taeyong slip his tongue inside. with them tasting each other like this, johnny can really taste the moët they just drank. johnny wonders if they’d kiss the first night they met each other, would he taste like moët too.

taeyong giggles when johnny wrestles him so that taeyong’s back is flat against the couch and johnny on top of him, cheery now that johnny kisses him with intent.

taeyong breaks the kiss and tenses when they both hear the sound of the front door closing. the elevator dinged not long after that. 

“they left?” johnny asks against taeyong’s lips. taeyong hums. 

johnny tries to kiss taeyong once again but taeyong freezes. johnny was about to kiss him again but then he eventually pushes him away, tries his best to be nonchalant when johnny could literally see him retreat into his shell. when he moves away from johnny’s hold, that’s when johnny cracks – because everything was so good up until now, and he doesn’t know what he did wrong now. they were laughing and kissing just now, what wen't wrong? 

taeyong walks away to the master bedroom, away from johnny, and johnny’s heart is beating so hard and his chest constricts with pain, but he tries to put on a brave face. _now or never._

“what’s wrong?” johnny asks, loud and clear. _desperate._ pitiful. 

taeyong turns around and smiles, shakes his head and says, “i’m sleepy… and tired. it’s time for bed anyway,”

"where are you going? stay," johnny begs. taeyong still won't listen.

johnny knows that’s not the case. taeyong disappeared without johnny realizing it. and it took johnny quite some time to gather his courage to stand up and walk away from that damn couch.

taeyong is buttoning his pajamas when johnny opens the door to their bedroom. in other circumstances, johnny would crowd him against the wall and kiss him senseless. johnny hopes that the other johnny in another universe would do it for him instead. because right now, _this_ johnny can physically feel his heart breaking.

“what did i do wrong this time? tell me, taeyong.” he asks. he doesn’t mean to sound angry but that’s how he probably sounds now to taeyong. taeyong flinches and johnny hates himself for making taeyong scared like that. 

taeyong struggles to answer him so johnny continues instead.

“were you ashamed?” he accuses. taeyong finally looks at johnny. the thing about being a director is that johnny knows the art of facial expression and emotions. he literally directs actors. right now, taeyong is looking at him and just from his eyes alone, johnny can see a mix of disbelief, sadness, hurt, and… disappointment. but johnny can’t help it, can’t help the way he presses on further and says, “of being intimate with me in front of your friends?”

“of course not. why would i even be ashamed of you?” taeyong says. johnny hates himself for making taeyong teary like this. johnny hates himself even more for not being able to stop himself from demanding more answers. 

johnny sighs and looks away. he asks, one last time. _defeated._ “then why did you stop?” 

taeyong finishes buttoning his pajamas and walks to the bed. “i’m tired, johnny. can we please, go to bed?” he says. his way of saying, _enough, end of conversation._

johnny watches taeyong turn his body so that it faces johnny away. when johnny finally gets in bed, taeyong is still facing the other way. he looks small and almost fragile compared to the big bed he’s sleeping on. johnny wants to cry but he doesn’t want to look pathetic in front of taeyong. doesn’t want to look childish in front of taeyong. 

johnny really, _really_ wants to hold him and pull him close. so he does that. he kisses taeyong’s right shoulder twice, one as a good night kiss and one as an _i’m sorry, i’ll make it up to you_ kiss. 

even when he holds taeyong like this, taeyong still feels unreachable to johnny. like a yellow light from a lighthouse that looks so close but johnny, a lost sailor, can’t seem to get close to it. johnny wonders if it’s just an imagination all along. both the lighthouse and taeyong’s affection and tenderness.

he knows that either of them will wake up alone tomorrow. it’s probably gonna be johnny.

* * *

the thing about living together is that you can only do so much in this situation because you’re still going to see each other at the end of the day. you’re still going to hold each other to sleep. wake up in each other’s embrace. no place to run away to because _this,_ this is home. taeyong has a lot of spare room in this penthouse and johnny can probably run away and sleep at his flat even though that means he’s gonna have to put up to the noise of yuta fucking his boyfriend. 

but he does not want to risk it. after all, he was the one who started the fight.

johnny’s scared that once he walks out of this fucking penthouse, there’s no longer a place for him: in taeyong’s arms, in taeyong’s bed… and he’s scared that if he leaves, another one will come and replace him.

* * *

johnny did wake up alone the next morning. _as expected._

but then johnny hears the ding of the toaster and he can vaguely smell the scent of coffee. _taeyong’s still here,_ he thinks.

when he groggily walks downstairs and sees taeyong being so busy in the kitchen, he decides that this is one of his favorite sights of taeyong. it’s weird to see him manning the kitchen, even wearing the same grey apron johnny usually uses. the eggs he’s frying right now are probably a bit burnt but this is new and johnny loves it.

“you’re making breakfast.” johnny says matter-of-factly. “day off?” he was already half hugging taeyong when he remembered the fight they just had last night. johnny thinks _fuck it,_ and hugs him tighter anyway, resting his chin against taeyong’s shoulder.

taeyong flinches and turns around, his hair tucked behind his ears and his smile so soft johnny’s heart melted right then and there. “no, i just have more time today.” 

“hmm,” johnny hums and kisses his shoulder while taeyong busies himself with the eggs. “how much more time?” johnny says against taeyong’s neck, determined to suck a fresh bruise onto the skin. when taeyong grinds his ass against his hard on and moans, johnny turns off the burner. that damn sunny side up is unsalvageable anyway.

johnny knows that _this is a bad idea, aren’t we supposed to talk?_ but then taeyong turns around and kisses him, breaks the kiss only to sit on the kitchen counter himself before pulling johnny close and kissing him hard. “does it matter how much? you’re gonna make me late for work anyway.”

breakfast be damned. and they can talk later, too. 

it’s hard for johnny to immerse himself with work like usual. although they did fuck against the kitchen island this morning.

but johnny knows they need to _talk._

* * *

“coffee?” sehun offers. “you look like shit. no, scratch it. you look… pathetic today. no offense, suh.”

“yikes. thanks, i guess.” johnny accepts the cup of coffee and sips it. he almost spits it out because he was so lost in thought he did not notice that the coffee is scorching hot but hey, at least that stops johnny from being a worry-wart for a while. 

sehun shrugs him off. “you’re seeing someone, johnny?” sehun asks indifferently while he busies himself with the work in front of him. 

they’re currently in post-production and sometimes sehun would tweak some clips himself. johnny thinks he’s micromanaging. sehun thinks otherwise and argues, i _can’t stand being idle. and anyway, there are some certain things that only you know exactly how to fix._

johnny supposes that sehun probably knows _things_ about johnny more than he thinks. 

“not really… well. it’s complicated. you don’t wanna know. we’re just… fooling around. he’s not into relationships.” johnny tries to explain. sehun doesn’t buy it and rolls his eyes. johnny could not help the sigh he let out.

“doesn’t look like fooling around to me,” sehun scoffs, eyeing the bruise taeyong left this morning, too high to be hidden. “if you’ve been fooling around since when we started discussing our project then… you’ve been, like.. hooking up with the same guy for almost five months. damn, isn’t that a boyfriend? i think it is.”

johnny was about to tell sehun _yeah, i’m pathetic,_ when sehun beats him to it.

“look, john.” sehun stares at johnny straight in the eyes. johnny looks away because he can sense that sehun is probably going to go off in a long rant and sips his coffee instead. “i know lee taeyong. i know you’re seeing him.” 

and this time, johnny chokes on his coffee for real.

johnny was still trying to regain his breath after a long coughing fit when sehun continued and said, “i know lee taeyong, we talked several times. we used to go to the same parties too. and yeah… i know the guy he used to date too. i even know some of the guys he sleeps with after he broke up with that damn model. from what i’ve heard he doesn’t do casual sex with the same guy more than once.”

johnny can’t seem to think and form a decent reply. he blames it on the lack of oxygen. his tongue is burning too. _fuck oh sehun,_ for always saying the right things but definitely not at the right time. so he manages an _okay, and?_ before he downs another glass of water.

“god, for someone that goes to SNU you’re… do i have to spell it out for you?” sehun sighs. “talk to him about your goddamn feelings. of course he’s scared of getting into a relationship after jung jaehyun left, but that doesn’t mean you’re… whatever. go figure it out yourself, you’re literally a grown adult.”

johnny sighs and mumbles _yeah, i’ll talk to him. now shut up._

* * *

the place smells heavenly when he gets home. 

suddenly, he feels bad for sitting in his car with his forehead against the steering wheel for a good thirty minutes just because he’s not ready to meet johnny yet. he was so disappointed at taeyong last night but still he held him to sleep. and now he cooks him dinner. 

he feels sorry for still trying to avoid him, for acting like he was fine although his heart hammered so hard when he met johnny at breakfast this morning and when johnny hugged him so tenderly, so lovingly… taeyong can’t help but feel the tension from his body leaving. 

he almost sobbed out of relief.

because taeyong thought that johnny was about to confront him but then they started kissing and johnny fucked him instead. 

that’s why he’s scared shitless now. he _knows_ johnny will bring it up over dinner tonight.

truth is, taeyong can probably handle confrontations. but the rejection and abandonment that may come after? well, jaehyun abandoned him (or did he abandon jaehyun?) anyway. he’s been through the worst so taeyong hopes that _if_ johnny leaves him… it shouldn’t hurt much. 

or at least he deludes himself into thinking so.

because he knows, with johnny, he feels like he’s one step away from giving him his all – his vulnerability included. and _if_ johnny abandons him... taeyong really won’t know how to cope. 

taeyong walks to the kitchen area to see johnny cooking dinner for two. he pressed a soft, fleeting kiss to johnny’s cheek while he shrugs off his suit jacket, the scent of clams and cooking aromatics hit him with full force. 

“hmm, if you dismiss mrs. kim because you cook a five course meal that rival her’s every night then i’m technically just paying her to do our laundry,” taeyong says. this earns a chuckle from johnny and taeyong laughs with him. he missed this. their banter.

“how’s work?” johnny asks instead. taeyong was in the middle of deciding which wine should they have tonight when he answers, “work was work. how’s yours, baby?”

“hmm, the project i’m doing.. well, we’re almost done. just a bit more sound editing and it’s done. we’ve picked the time and place for the premiere though. probably about a month from now.” johnny says. “of course it’s not going to be big – we’re not expecting a large audience. just uhm, for close friends… a bit like my exhibition before. sehun’s inviting his director friends though.”

taeyong hums, absent-minded, because suddenly the memories of johnny kissing taeyong for the first time at his exhibition rushes back and taeyong can’t help but smile at the fond memory. “am i invited?” he asks lightheartedly. 

“well.. do you want to? please, don’t expect too much. i’m no park chan-wook.” johnny turns off the stove and walks to the dining area, scooping the pasta to their plates. 

they finally settle on their seats and johnny sips the sparkling wine. “johnny, of course i would love to be there.” taeyong tries his best to sound earnest, because he really means it. maybe if johnny moves to new york too, this time, taeyong would throw everything away for him and board the flight. “and stop downplaying yourself. people have been talking about your work. and i’m no sadie coles myself, so please.. of course i want to be among the first ones to see your new work.”

johnny suddenly turned serious and stopped himself from sipping the wine taeyong just poured. “please don’t praise me too much in front of other directors, taeyong. you know i don’t want that. i can’t handle the raised expectations, okay? and i don’t want people to think i’m taking advantage of you.” johnny says. “well, i _am_ taking advantage of you, i guess. but you know what i mean.”

taeyong nods and goes silent after that. _ah right. the arrangement. the whole sponsor thing._ they’ve been toeing the line between casual and not-really-casual for so long, and taeyong is disoriented now that he’s reminded of it. 

in all honesty, taeyong _really_ wants to say, _you’re not taking advantage of me. when i talk about you with others, it’s because i’m so fucking proud of you. and i believe in you. not because i want others to know that you’re taking advantage of me. everything i do, i do it because i want it too. i want others to know that somewhere in seoul, there’s suh johnny. an aspiring director that will grow into something bigger. maybe even bigger than hong sang-soo. park chan-wook. and i’m maybe i’m so in love with him._

he holds himself back because he knows they’ll fight again if he doesn’t. johnny doesn’t notice his turmoil and taeyong compliments his cooking instead to fill the awkward silence.

they chat away about johnny’s project after that. johnny asks him about oh sehun and taeyong recounts story about when oh sehun was just an aspiring director too. johnny goes silent for a while, and not long after that he sighs. taeyong knows he’s about to apologize and he braces for the storm. 

“i’m sorry about last night. i shouldn’t shout at you like that… you must be scared. i’m sorry, taeyong,” johnny starts. “i was just… sometimes i just don’t know what i did wrong, because suddenly you’d push me away. and the thought of you just leaving me without saying anything… it scares me so much. i just wish that you’d talk to me. instead of keeping everything to yourself.” 

taeyong was about to answer when johnny seems to realize something and before he could stop himself, he muttered, “shit, i’m sorry. it’s not my place to demand things from you. sorry.”

“no, johnny… i’m sorry,” taeyong stops him from apologizing even further. here goes. 

“sometimes i’m just… scared that _it_ will happen again. and i know i shouldn’t project my fears to you. because i know you’re _different._ you’re not him. i’m so fucking sorry for pushing you away, you know i didn’t mean to. and why would i leave you? i was the one asking you to move in with me. so please, i should be the one apologizing. i'm sorry for being such an emotional mess. sorry for being mad and distant for you for no fucking reason.”

“i’m just…” taeyong sighs. maybe it’s time to face your demons for real, instead of hiding away from it forever. “i’m just scared of trying again. i'm tired of losing people. johnny, you know you're free to leave right? you don't have to stay with me if you don't want to."

“do you want to try again then? with me” johnny asks. they’re looking eye to eye now and johnny is looking at him like he’s trying to read taeyong. taeyong wants to shrivel from scrutiny. “do you want me to leave?”

johnny waits for taeyong's answer but all he gets is a sigh. "i don't know if i deserve this, johnny. what if it happens again? like last night? i don't want to put you through hard time because i haven't healed yet. you're so kind and i'm happy when i'm with you. but johnny, don't you want to date someone your age? why settle with someone like me?" he’s close to tears by now because he’s not used to talking about his feelings openly and frankly like this. “if we do this, _for real_ , then what about our first agreement? do i still send you money? i really... don't know what to do with how i feel, johnny.”

“taeyong, you’ve given me so much already. it’s enough to last me for a lifetime, okay? all i want is just...” johnny says as he reach out and holds taeyong’s hand with both of his palms. “please, be with me. let’s just, at least _try._ please? i want you to trust me and rely on me. you don't have to heal alone.”

johnny doesn’t have to beg because really, taeyong would’ve said yes from the start. 

* * *

they’ve never done it _this_ slow. because right now, johnny’s sucking taeyong’s erection into his mouth so languidly like they have all the time in this world. maybe they really do because taeyong feels like time moves slower when they’re in bed like this. or is this making love? taeyong supposes so, but maybe it’s probably because they’re both wine and love drunk too. 

because this isn’t like what they’ve had before. because it’s technically one of their _firsts_ as both johnny _and_ taeyong.

“don’t stop,” taeyong pleads, propping his upper body with one of his elbows while the other hand strokes johnny’s soft hair, so that he could see johnny worship his body. 

a memory so precious for taeyong because if he could lock it away somewhere safe, he would do it. 

johnny then fingers him, pushing two of his slick fingers. taeyong shouts and writhes against the bed when he comes into johnny’s awaiting mouth, can’t help but surrender from the way johnny’s giving literally everything for taeyong’s pleasure. 

and with the way johnny is looking at taeyong like he’s completely enthralled, taeyong must have made quite a sight – eyebrows scrunched up, eyes closed, mouth open. johnny comes up and kisses him right after that.

he holds taeyong so close and dear when he pushes into him, chest to chest with his face buried on the slope of taeyong’s neck. one hand cradling taeyong’s face while the other around taeyong’s upper body. if the chandelier above their bed is a voyeur, they probably won’t be able to see taeyong apart from his moans, with how johnny covers his whole body with his own.

when taeyong finally comes for the second time of the night (and third time of the day, if you count their breakfast sex this morning), with johnny thrusting so deep into him and his slick hand working taeyong’s cock, he moaned johnny’s name against his jaw. a sound so close to maybe an i love you. johnny finishes not long after, calling out taeyong’s name onto his skin too.

* * *

days after that night, johnny realizes not much has changed after they’re _really, finally_ together. probably because they’ve been acting like lovers for so long. 

probably because they’ve been lovers all along. taeyong drives johnny to school and to the studio now, he never fails to kiss johnny goodbye everytime. sometimes it’s johnny driving instead, the roof of taeyong’s convertible down so that they’re bathed in the orange hues of the sunset, wind so loud taeyong had to literally shout so that johnny can hear. 

on weekends, taeyong catches up on his readings while johnny bothers him. sometimes they’d fly to jeju for a staycation in taeyong’s ridiculously opulent beachside villa complete with a private pool where they could fool around.

the only difference now is that taeyong kisses johnny in front of ten and yukhei. johnny chuckles at the way taeyong’s cheeks redden whenever he does it, from both the alcohol and the shame for acting like teenagers in love again. taeyong tries so hard to ignore the way ten look at him like a proud mom while yukhei doesn’t miss the chance to tease them for it. 

after everything taeyong’s been through, this is close to his definition of serenity.

* * *

“nervous?” taeyong asks him as he busies himself with johnny’s tie. he’s probably even more nervous than johnny himself with the way he’s fussing over him. 

“honestly?” johnny says as he walks away and pours himself a drink. “i am,” he admits. taeyong kisses him good luck and hugs him briefly, whispers a _you’ll do great, youngho,_ before they have to leave for the premiere. 

as soon as the chauffeur starts driving, johnny is lost in his own thoughts. taeyong can see the worry on his face but taeyong respects it, giving him the space and quietness he needs while never taking his gaze off of johnny. 

when johnny realizes, he takes taeyong’s hand and intertwines them. he smiles at taeyong before he kisses his knuckles, his way of saying _i’m so thankful you’re here because you’re my light, my anchor._

and when they get there, johnny introduces taeyong to sehun as _this is lee taeyong, he’s my…_ _boyfriend,_ taeyong can’t hold back his sheepish grin. oh sehun can’t seem to hold back his knowing scoff too, although both of them knew it’s lighthearted. "johnny, i _know_ taeyong. but really, nice to finally meet you again," sehun says. sehun introduces them to their friends right after that, some were taeyong's acquaintances. 

johnny excuses himself not long after that, murmuring a _wait here, i’ll be back,_ to deliver his opening speech. taeyong’s breath hitched when johnny stands before a podium, adjusting the microphone because he’s so damn tall. the man standing in front of the audience right now is not just the suh johnny that holds taeyong to sleep and strokes his hair, not just the suh johnny that cooks him nice, homemade dinners, not just the suh johnny that lights his cigarettes. 

standing there on that stage is suh johnny the aspiring director, ready to make movies that touch hearts. and taeyong loves him so much. he haven't told him yet, but maybe when they get home tonight, taeyong will whisper it against his tan skin.

_hi everyone, good evening. i’m suh johnny, born suh youngho. i hope starting from now, i can get to know you all better. i’m a final year student… and i am lucky enough to study in SNU. i co-direct lilith together with sehun and... i aspire to be a good filmmaker._

_when i was a kid, on christmas day, my dad and i watched the sound of music. from that moment, i knew i wanted to make movies. up until now, i still remember the joy i felt when i first watched it._

_i want to make something raw and real. something that provides both happiness and sadness. because only cinema can make you feel the things that you’ve never experienced – love, grief, joy, loneliness, desperation... loss. the things that make us human. that’s what i want you to feel from watching lilith, a story about a fallen angel banished from heaven because he fell in love with a mere human._

_i know i still have lots to learn so thank you sehun for calling me and giving me this opportunity knowing i’m just a kid. for being the best co-director, a mentor, a friend. i would also like to thank the whole cast, the entire team, mark lee – our screenwriter. yuta, my best friend, although he’s not here._

_i did not prepare a speech so i won’t keep you guys wait any longer. but please, let me thank someone i hold so dear to my heart. someone that makes me feel that everything i want in life is possible. he’s here, and i just want to let him know that i’m so thankful for him... and thank you for being with me._

after that, what johnny says sounds like an undistinguishable hum because taeyong can’t _think,_ can’t seem to focus because all his mind repeats is the voice of johnny saying _i just want to let him know that i’m so thankful for him. and thank you for being with me._ when johnny comes back to his seat beside taeyong, he wipes taeyong’s wet cheeks – taeyong did not even realize he was crying – and kisses his cheek. he tells taeyong softly, "don't cry, you're gonna make me cry too."

when the screen dims and the big screen shows lilith’s closing credits – the words _directed by oh sehun and johnny suh_ written in big bold words – taeyong whispers _i’m so proud of you_ against johnny’s neck before giving a standing ovation, followed by everyone.

* * *

someone approached johnny moments after taeyong excused himself to the toilet while johnny sip on his third flute of champagne. 

“hi, johnny. i’m kim jongin.” the stranger offers him his hand. johnny, still walking on cloud nine, shook it a bit too excitedly. “i enjoyed it. i think it’s beautiful. congratulations.”

johnny was about to thank him when kim jongin cut him off, “your boyfriend, lee taeyong, is he your muse?” his expression is unreadable, but johnny knows it’s not curiosity because kim jongin looks like he knows more than that.

“do i know you?” johnny asks, cautious. because right now, this does not seem like just a congratulation. more like a threat.

“nah, but i'm oh sehun's friend. and i know jaehyun. i know yukhei too. you see, it's a small, small world. taeyong probably don’t remember me though, but we met before.” jongin chuckles. “must be nice to have your career skyrocketing because you have a rich, household-name boyfriend. he vouch for you, you know. probably also the one that recommends you to sehun. or at least that’s what i heard from a friend. i mean, why would sehun pick a student with no experience like you?”

sehun and taeyong do know each other. 

_i know lee taeyong, we talked several times. we used to go to the same parties too. and yeah… i know the guy he used to date too. i even know some of the guys he sleeps with after he broke up with that damn model. from what i’ve heard he doesn’t do casual sex with the same guy more than once..._

when johnny goes silent, kim jongin takes it as a cue to continue. “well, i must say. you do have talent because oh sehun did not even badmouth you.” he says as he pats johnny’s shoulder. johnny wants to shrug it off and break his arm instead.

taeyong knows johnny doesn’t like it when he talks to his famous friends about johnny. because johnny wants to build and work for his dreams alone, want to make a name for himself without the help of someone else. because johnny’s ready to sacrifice his blood, sweat, and tears for this dream. 

because he doesn’t want that one day, people will downplay his hard work because he’s just _lee taeyong’s boyfriend._ taeyong knows this, knows how much johnny hates this. taeyong won't let it happen to johnny too. 

but if this is true, then this milestone is not his. _that’s because he’s lee taeyong’s boyfriend._

“be good to him, kid. who knows when he will leave you for someone younger. he _left_ jaehyun and so many other men before, what makes you so sure he’ll stay with you? and if he leaves, who’ll have your back, johnny? remember me, we’ll probably meet more often after this. once again, congrats.”

kim jongin fishes something out of his back pocket and gives johnny his business card before walking away with a smile so wide and johnny sees red.

**_kim jongin / kai_ **

**_actor_ **

**_114 Seolleung-ro 190-gil, Cheongdam-dong, Gangnam-gu, Seoul, South Korea_ **

**_+82-XX-XXXX-YYYY_ **

johnny crumples the card after reading it. although it’s too late because he could hear taeyong softly asking, “what’s that?” as he tried to take the piece of the card from johnny’s hand out of curiosity. johnny pulls away instead, pockets the crumpled business card away from taeyong’s reach.

“what’s wrong? are you okay?” taeyong asks, the sheer panic written all over his face. he took johnny’s face with his palms and begs, “ _johnny, please look at me.”_

johnny sighs and looks at taeyong straight in the eyes. “was this your doing all along? is this why oh sehun asked for me instead of someone else? answer me.”

johnny waited for his answer but it never came. that itself is an adequate confirmation to johnny because johnny knows taeyong enough now to know if taeyong did not do it, he would straight up deny it. all taeyong said was just, “johnny, i’m so sorry. i can explain—”

“no need,” johnny says. “i won’t be home tonight so don’t wait for me.”

taeyong goes home alone that night, just him in the backseat and his chauffeur trying to ignore the sounds of his sobs.

he didn't get to say _i love you_ to johnny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry.......... and im actually not really happy with how this chapter turned out so please bear with me :(
> 
> let's be friends on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/erosaquarius) i recently made a new twitter account for my fics too, follow me [here](https://twitter.com/venusvalentines) :)


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